Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Best Day Ever?
Lindsay Rae is moving back from Prince George!!! I received 2 packages in the mail containing the hoodie and necklace I ordered online! My car started! Lindsay is moving back! My Mom wants to look at a fixer upper condo in Crescent Heights! My writer's block on my paper is unblocked! Lindsay is moving back! And other things.
It's golden, this day.
You know what I want??
And I deserve it.
It's golden, this day.
You know what I want??
And I deserve it.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Ask The Magic 8 Ball!!!
Dear Magic 8 Ball
Q1: What's up?
A1: Cannot predict now.
Q2: That's kind of a cop out answer - dontcha think?
A2: Cannot predict now.
Comment: You son of a bitch.
Q3: Do you like Christmas?
A3: Ask again later.
Q4: Later as in after you've gotten your presents and judged your happiness based on them?
A4: Signs point to yes
Q5: Want to give me a hint as to what I should get you?
A5: It is certain.
Comment: I suppose we all want certainty. Especially 8 Balls. I just don't know if I can get you a concept as a gift. Besides, the world is a changing place. I guess what I'm trying to say is that what I want for Christmas is for you to pull your pants up a bit. Or am I taking your hint too literally?
Q6: That question I just said.
A6: It is decidedly so.
Comment: Okay. Well, sorry I went off a bit back there. Besides... I don't want any hints that are too obvious, cause then it won't be a surprise. Although, a toque/scarf combo would look ADORABLE on you. Okay. Good chat.
Q1: What's up?
A1: Cannot predict now.
Q2: That's kind of a cop out answer - dontcha think?
A2: Cannot predict now.
Comment: You son of a bitch.
Q3: Do you like Christmas?
A3: Ask again later.
Q4: Later as in after you've gotten your presents and judged your happiness based on them?
A4: Signs point to yes
Q5: Want to give me a hint as to what I should get you?
A5: It is certain.
Comment: I suppose we all want certainty. Especially 8 Balls. I just don't know if I can get you a concept as a gift. Besides, the world is a changing place. I guess what I'm trying to say is that what I want for Christmas is for you to pull your pants up a bit. Or am I taking your hint too literally?
Q6: That question I just said.
A6: It is decidedly so.
Comment: Okay. Well, sorry I went off a bit back there. Besides... I don't want any hints that are too obvious, cause then it won't be a surprise. Although, a toque/scarf combo would look ADORABLE on you. Okay. Good chat.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Want a boyfriend?
His smarmy little face eyed me as I eyed him back on the righthand side of my facebook page. Seriously? This douche is who you're trying to reel me in with AreYouInterested.com? Pass me a cat.
Ahhhh... Das ist besser.
I mean, look at this guy
LOOK AT HIM!
His name is Mitch. And Michelle, if you're reading this, I mean no offence. I just mean... actually, I do, beeatch. It's been far too long since we've fought. Anyway, you're probably not reading this. I don't think I gave you the address. Maybe I will. And say I wrote about you. THEN you'll read it.
SO. I obviously need to go to bed.
But before I do... like, this Mitch guy. Am I right? Would any of my readers care to stand up for him?
Update: Here's the Zoosk Guy. Headline: Why Are You Waiting?
Answer:
So readers? Who'd you do?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Must learn German, look at this.
Hello readers!
Good golly you are looking sexcellent today. So! When I'm feeling busy or lazy I like to put up pics I enjoy. Here are some. I'm going to go study.
Good golly you are looking sexcellent today. So! When I'm feeling busy or lazy I like to put up pics I enjoy. Here are some. I'm going to go study.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Seeing Red
What you've missed since my last post. A lot of girlish giggling and foot twisting, a lot of boring school junk and ZOMG HOLD THE BUS RIGHT NOW... IMPORTANT EMAIL COMING IN FROM BELOVED READER CHELSEA RAUCH.
Chelsea writes...
nothing... she's sent me a link to a KTLA news story
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-ginger-beating,0,999291.story
If you'd like to read the full article... the gist of it is Kick A Ginger Day made it to year 2!
Wow! Some Middle School gingers in the US got kicked and hit for being born. This hilarious discrimination MUST STOP. I mean... what if someone kicked ME? And what also upsets me, is gingers were being HIT as well. Clearly breaking the rules. What's next? Will Kick A Ginger Day turns into Ginger Genocide???!!?!?!?!!!
I think we should take today to honor some important gingers.
1) My immediate family. Bless our hearts.
2) Jessica Rabbit, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Archie, Kyle Broflovski, Groundskeeper Willie, Wilma Flintstone and other Red Head cartoon characters
3) This kid who wrote a hilarious love letter I found on the internet the other day... http://theyoungmanhoststhetogaparty.blogspot.com/2008/02/peter-interests-kristen-hilarious-love.html
4) Sex God Josh Homme and hot royalty Prince Harry
And you know... lots of other people too. And listen... us gingers have a sense of humor, we just ask if you must "kick" us, one kick each. Not too hard. Don't "beat" us. And only once a year.
I haven't talked to the union about it, but I think we could probably settle on something like that.
A Poem of Protest
Imagine a world without red hair
A world without foxes and orange cats
A world without Gillian Anderson
That world would seem pretty flat
Imagine a world without Santa Claus
That's right, he had red hair too
Our pale skin bruises so easily
When you kick it, it turns green and blue
Imagine a world without red hair
Just Blonde and Black and Brown
Yes, the thought might start you smiling
But if it happened your smile would turn down.
In a frown.
Remember Charlie Brown?
He liked that little Red Haired girl.
Imagine a world without red hair
I can't! I mustn't! I'll not!
It's a beautiful hue
So fuck you! And fuck you!
I even love red headed pot.
Chelsea writes...
nothing... she's sent me a link to a KTLA news story
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-ginger-beating,0,999291.story
If you'd like to read the full article... the gist of it is Kick A Ginger Day made it to year 2!
Wow! Some Middle School gingers in the US got kicked and hit for being born. This hilarious discrimination MUST STOP. I mean... what if someone kicked ME? And what also upsets me, is gingers were being HIT as well. Clearly breaking the rules. What's next? Will Kick A Ginger Day turns into Ginger Genocide???!!?!?!?!!!
I think we should take today to honor some important gingers.
1) My immediate family. Bless our hearts.
2) Jessica Rabbit, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Archie, Kyle Broflovski, Groundskeeper Willie, Wilma Flintstone and other Red Head cartoon characters
3) This kid who wrote a hilarious love letter I found on the internet the other day... http://theyoungmanhoststhetogaparty.blogspot.com/2008/02/peter-interests-kristen-hilarious-love.html
4) Sex God Josh Homme and hot royalty Prince Harry
And you know... lots of other people too. And listen... us gingers have a sense of humor, we just ask if you must "kick" us, one kick each. Not too hard. Don't "beat" us. And only once a year.
I haven't talked to the union about it, but I think we could probably settle on something like that.
A Poem of Protest
Imagine a world without red hair
A world without foxes and orange cats
A world without Gillian Anderson
That world would seem pretty flat
Imagine a world without Santa Claus
That's right, he had red hair too
Our pale skin bruises so easily
When you kick it, it turns green and blue
Imagine a world without red hair
Just Blonde and Black and Brown
Yes, the thought might start you smiling
But if it happened your smile would turn down.
In a frown.
Remember Charlie Brown?
He liked that little Red Haired girl.
Imagine a world without red hair
I can't! I mustn't! I'll not!
It's a beautiful hue
So fuck you! And fuck you!
I even love red headed pot.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Pussy + Lesbians
That kitty is my life right now. In the past 24 hours I've fallen asleep reading thrice. And the strangest dreams wake me up. Anyhoo, I'm learning/writing about an INCREDIBLE woman poet named Sappho who lived around 600 B.C. She ran an academy for unmarried young women to be instructed on beauty and grace, singing, poetry, etc. And wrote incredibly sensual prose and was the namesake for both a type of poetry(Sapphic) and the term "Lesbian" (She lived in Lesbos) - and everyone LOVED her! She was incredibly respected in her time, but a few centuries after her death her personal life was joked about, then the Roman Catholics destroyed 90% of her works and... yadda yadda yadda. Anyway - I wanted to share one of the two only full surviving poem of hers (the rest are just fragments), it's translated (apparently nothing can rival the beauty of the original language)
Still... I hope you enjoy
On the throne of many hues, Immortal Aphrodite,
child of Zeus, weaving wiles--I beg you
not to subdue my spirit, Queen,
with pain or sorrow
but come--if ever before
having heard my voice from far away
you listened, and leaving your father's
golden home you came
in your chariot yoked with swift, lovely
sparrows bringing you over the dark earth
thick-feathered wings swirling down
from the sky through mid-air
arriving quickly--you, Blessed One,
with a smile on your unaging face
asking again what have I suffered
and why am I calling again
and in my wild heart what did I most wish
to happen to me: "Again whom must I persuade
back into the harness of your love?
Sappho, who wrongs you?
For if she flees, soon she'll pursue,
she doesn't accept gifts, but she'll give,
if not now loving, soon she'll love
even against her will."
Come to me now again, release me from
this pain, everything my spirit longs
to have fulfilled, fulfill, and you
be my ally
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Cat of the Day + A Response to A Child's Letter + Bonus
Nom nom nom! Watch out kitty! You'll get brain freeze!!
Dear Jane,
Huh.
Here's an idea - why don't you answer your own question? It might go something like this...
1) Because billions of souls would never get to experience life due to your greed
2) People are idiots and need to die, so new idiots can (hopefully) progress civilization
3) Bodies aren't meant to last that long.
Can you think of other stuff Jane? I bet you can.
Ughhh.
Kids.
Too harsh?
One more for the road? Okay. Another something that found me online.
My favourite is "Reprimand them privately"
How To Care for Extroverts
- Ignore their requests for privacy
- Embarrass them whenever possible
- Always announce their arrival to a group and give them an opportunity to make a speech
- Press them for answers, allowing no more than 3 sec. between questions
- Interrupt them when they talk
- Little notice is required when major changes need to occur
- Reprimand them publicly
- Make their learning experiences public and stressful
- Discourage relationship building and the acquiring of 'friends'
- Help them become a better person by encouraging less extroverted behaviors
Monday, November 23, 2009
Birthday Blog
Grow Up Resolutions
-stop talking about the daily puppy
-organize my time better
Never Grow Up Resolutions
-make out more
-keep playing
-stop talking about the daily puppy
-organize my time better
Never Grow Up Resolutions
-make out more
-keep playing
Friday, November 20, 2009
If sex is a weapon then Smash! Boom! Pow! How you like me now?
Sorry... more TCV lyrics.
It's my party day! Hooray! But before I get to have fun, I have to school and I've been procrastinating all morning and I'm just terrible!!!!
So I said "Listen, Baxter. You write in your blog, then get to work and you'll be brilliant!" And I bought it. So here I am, typing away, with little to say on this birthdayous day. I'm jazzed on tonight though. I'm stoked, pumped, hyped and a little moist. I kid. I'm dry as the desert down there.
I predict a lot of overindulgence in booze and hugs... which is my favourite way to party. I could actually really go for a hug right now. Anyone? Ahh... we'll wait till I stumble into you.
Puppy? Well... Buster the Corgi isn't so bad. He has the same colouring and name as one of the favourite dogs of my childhood, Buster the Jack Russell Terrier who belonged to my Grandparents. What an awesome dog. He knew so many tricks. The only thing I really am not into in the pic is that metallic mushroom looking thing. What's that about? I think Buster should've found a more majestic place to pose. Hey - is that a fuzzy blue empty water bottle in the background? I mean, the rocks are nice, maybe move it over to a less "junky" area. Plus Buster's looking a little "serious". I like a puppy with a look of wonder, not understanding.
10 for being related to my childhood
-1 bad posing place
-1 look on face
Buster gets an 8.
Okay. Work now? No. A quick room tidy while listening to TCV, THEN I'll school.
I wish I had a scanner so I could upload a pic of Buster. I have one where my Grandma is trying to make it look like he's playing with our new Rottweiler puppy, so she has him in her hands and is mock making him jump forward. It's ridiculous. I'm in the background in my neon green stripes and stars and it was one of my first moments realizing grown-ups can be a real mess sometimes.
It's my party day! Hooray! But before I get to have fun, I have to school and I've been procrastinating all morning and I'm just terrible!!!!
So I said "Listen, Baxter. You write in your blog, then get to work and you'll be brilliant!" And I bought it. So here I am, typing away, with little to say on this birthdayous day. I'm jazzed on tonight though. I'm stoked, pumped, hyped and a little moist. I kid. I'm dry as the desert down there.
I predict a lot of overindulgence in booze and hugs... which is my favourite way to party. I could actually really go for a hug right now. Anyone? Ahh... we'll wait till I stumble into you.
Puppy? Well... Buster the Corgi isn't so bad. He has the same colouring and name as one of the favourite dogs of my childhood, Buster the Jack Russell Terrier who belonged to my Grandparents. What an awesome dog. He knew so many tricks. The only thing I really am not into in the pic is that metallic mushroom looking thing. What's that about? I think Buster should've found a more majestic place to pose. Hey - is that a fuzzy blue empty water bottle in the background? I mean, the rocks are nice, maybe move it over to a less "junky" area. Plus Buster's looking a little "serious". I like a puppy with a look of wonder, not understanding.
10 for being related to my childhood
-1 bad posing place
-1 look on face
Buster gets an 8.
Okay. Work now? No. A quick room tidy while listening to TCV, THEN I'll school.
I wish I had a scanner so I could upload a pic of Buster. I have one where my Grandma is trying to make it look like he's playing with our new Rottweiler puppy, so she has him in her hands and is mock making him jump forward. It's ridiculous. I'm in the background in my neon green stripes and stars and it was one of my first moments realizing grown-ups can be a real mess sometimes.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
It hurts to be young - gotta learn every god damn thing.
I haven't felt this way about a CD for so long. I know it's only been a couple of days... but I really feel like it's going to be in my top 10 of all time. It's killing me. Every layer I peek beneath makes me peak. Them Crooked Vultures... I would play dead so you could pick my bones clean.
In other local news, school. Always with the school.
Social news? Visiting Asher tonight to watch TV and make broccoli cheese rice casserole thing. And a beer? Yep.
Smoking? Still not doing it. But I'm past the point of wanting individual cigs now, as much as I want to just go out and buy a pack. Seriously. It's a REAL temptation several times a day. What's next? Cartons?
I want a cigar for my birthday?
Ughh. I would mostly like to learn the skills of restraint, reason, humility... wait. What am I talking about?
I'm an idiot.
Oh it hurts to be young.
Good thing I'm getting older.
Bday party tomorrow, you know.
Hey - daily puppy. You've got something on your nose.
In other local news, school. Always with the school.
Social news? Visiting Asher tonight to watch TV and make broccoli cheese rice casserole thing. And a beer? Yep.
Smoking? Still not doing it. But I'm past the point of wanting individual cigs now, as much as I want to just go out and buy a pack. Seriously. It's a REAL temptation several times a day. What's next? Cartons?
I want a cigar for my birthday?
Ughh. I would mostly like to learn the skills of restraint, reason, humility... wait. What am I talking about?
I'm an idiot.
Oh it hurts to be young.
Good thing I'm getting older.
Bday party tomorrow, you know.
Hey - daily puppy. You've got something on your nose.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hip Hip Hooray for Christmas Vacation
Hello readers,
Happy humpday to you. You see the puppy? Diesel? What a cutie! A 9er, I'd say. So, to get "topical" I thought I'd talk Christmas a little today.
* I was in the mall yesterday and it's turned into all xmas, all the time. I'm talking shiny presents, hickory farms, and full blown holiday music. I whine about it when I've been exposed to that much commercial "cheer" for 1/2 an hour in a crowded environment. Retail workers. My heart truly goes out to you.
* I love chinese gift exchanges. I wish I could do them with everyone.
* One of my favorite things about the holidays (and WHY OH WHY can't they just start Dec 1... I mean COME ON!)(I know, I'm contributing to the problem right now. Sorry.) is the specials on TV. Classics like Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Die Hard, Grinch, Elf, Rudolph... There are so many great ones. But, there are a lot of bad ones out there too. I think we've all made the mistake of watching "Olive, the Other Reindeer"... also watched "Madagascar Christmas" last night which was pretty awful. Really awful. Completely unimaginative and a little sad.
Anyhoo... those are my thoughts on the holidays right now. Sorry to bring them up this early. I blame society.
*Final note - I can't wait for Christmas Vacation!!!!! As someone who only gets 1 day a week off, the prospect of having 2 weeks free sounds incredible. And I love how everyone goes home for Christmas, so I get to see my childhood chums. Warm fuzzies.
And I love when my mom makes mulled wine
And Christmas oranges are so good!
Advent calendars!!!!
Decorating the tree!!
Oh, now I'm excited. Thanks a lot BLOG.
On a final note... here's a Christmas card I would send to you if I wasn't both cheap and lazy.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
November 17
I have A LOT of Rock&Roll surging through my blood today. It feels gooooood. It feels like being pushed off a cliff and you float down, pulling the jagged edges with you, smothering, hot, hard. And I want to push back. I want to push back but I can't so I dance. With no pants.
AND I'm getting a haircut.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Blopic - emails from crazy people
Chelsa Roosh emailed me a link to this delightful submission to emailsfromcrazypeople.com It comes from a Craigslist post. Let's walk through it sentence by sentence.
i think you live in a building that says gold on it by gratiot – 21 (eastern market)
Kay... off to a fairly stable start
i see you all the time, I think your hot.
i see you all the time, I think your hot.
Hmm... so this is one of those "saw you" type ads then? Personally, the improper use of your would have been a write off for me, but let's see what else she has to say.
you are a jewish looking male 20’s with a muscular frame.
Nummy! Good taste me lady.
I think i saw a tattoo on your arm a few months back, you have a happy looking black lab, i think i love you, I accidently hit your dog.
Here's the money sentence!! Girl is starting to panic. Did I tell him I love him yet? Am I coming on too strong? I've been stalking him for a few months - I'll just say I think I love him. Better get to the point about the dog as well...
I think his name is “mover”?
Doubt it. I bet hot jewish dude named his dog "McGruber"
Im sorry but i did it to get close to you.
Im sorry but i did it to get close to you.
Ahh... so the "accident" thing was a lie. Well, you can't lie to the one you love. Confession time! Hey... he pushed you to it, right?
WHY DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME!!!!
You didn't look at her, guy?
I LOVE YOU.
She LOVES you! Caplock loves you.
You better respond to this message.
Threats are such a turn on
I’m not crazy but I have been institutionalized.
Oh dear.
I just want to know you.
(I just want to feel what the inside of your skin feels like.)
please be close to me!
As long as you say the magic word!
I know how to cook, and I am pretty good in the sack.
Check and double check. Crazy chicks are usually better in bed I hear.
FIND ME PRINCE CHARMING OR I’LL MAKE MOVER MINE!
And a very concise parting sentence. She really summed everything up quite nicely there. Confessed her crush, admitted her mistake, highlighted her attributes, let him know she wasn't crazy, then a few threats just to move things along. Poor Mover. I wish I could hear how this story plays out.
Being a Bitch to Dogs
So... today has ANOTHER ugly puppy! That puppy's face is not symmetrical at all and we all know symmetry = beauty. Please, understand, I don't like telling these adorable puppies they don't measure up, but someone has to do it. Daily Puppy - what is going on? I did see yesterday's baby dog of the day and he was soooo cute! I would have given him a 10. In fact, I went to the daily puppy website and found him, so you can admire him forever.
Isn't he adorable? Why am I typing in blue now? Oh well. Anyway... I can't handle judging these puppies right now. They're all cute. I love puppies. Even asymmetrical ones. I may have to take a break.
Hey? Guess what else? 1 week nonsmokiversary! My powers are growing stronger, I can feel it.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saturday Blaturday
Hi everybody! Sorry I missed a post yesterday, sue me.
Don't sue.
It's funny how being really tired and worn down gives you a similar mental capacity to being drunk. It's a ripoff right now though because I can't enjoy this altered state. I have to try to ignore it and discuss Semiotic theory. What's that? Don't ask or I swear I'll send you a 2 page cited overview.
Hrmm.
Another ugly puppy today.
I would still love it forever, don't get me wrong... but I'm giving it my lowest ranking yet. A 6. You want to defend the puppy? You can't. That puppy is a MAX 6. Unless you judge it against things that aren't puppies... or baby mammals.
Okay - see? The drunk thing. But I'm not. Hope you guys have a great day!! Mine will only get better, with the pinnacle being reached when I get to sleep!! SLEEP :D :D :D
Don't sue.
It's funny how being really tired and worn down gives you a similar mental capacity to being drunk. It's a ripoff right now though because I can't enjoy this altered state. I have to try to ignore it and discuss Semiotic theory. What's that? Don't ask or I swear I'll send you a 2 page cited overview.
Hrmm.
Another ugly puppy today.
I would still love it forever, don't get me wrong... but I'm giving it my lowest ranking yet. A 6. You want to defend the puppy? You can't. That puppy is a MAX 6. Unless you judge it against things that aren't puppies... or baby mammals.
Okay - see? The drunk thing. But I'm not. Hope you guys have a great day!! Mine will only get better, with the pinnacle being reached when I get to sleep!! SLEEP :D :D :D
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Animal Attraction
I've had "the moves" put on me by dogs, cats, a turtle and even a couple of humans... but last night... last night a love bird grinded the back of my hand.
It was like my hand and the lovebird were at a club and the bird got up behind there and started doing his thing. At first, as usual, I was flattered. But then the bird grinded on Melissa's hand, followed by her cell phone. He came back after... but I couldn't keep pretending it was okay.
Daily puppy is an obvious photoshop job. You may have a 7. AND THAT'S GENEROUS PUPPY.
Update: Ground? Was grinding?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Wednesday!? It's Wednesday already!!?
This week is a blur. Eee! A few things are falling into place, which I really appreciate. Other things... well... they're on the list.
I don't know if my Aunt and Uncle come home tomorrow or Friday... so I have to assume tomorrow and get their house spic and span tonight...
Also, here's awkwardness... my Aunt got a phone call confirming an appointment on Friday. I don't know if I should call them back or not? What should I do?
Plus 3 papers and a midterm and 2 family visits by Saturday.
No big deal. I'm superman. I don't even need to smoke.
Of course, you didn't see me shaking and sweating on the couch last night, wanting to die. No. You didn't. Because I totally didn't do that. I'm so brave and tough.
I need to clean my car too.
But, I could write a song about all the things I need to do with myself.
Priorities! Prioritize!
Get your life together!
Here's a list of things to do
To make your week get better
Number 1 isn't so fun
It's cleaning your whole house
Don't forget to wash the sheets
And catch that rascal mouse!
Number 2, much more to do!
It's writing 2 responses
Put down that blog and something something...
Anyway. Whatever. I can't wait till Sat after 5. I don't know what I'm doing at that point, since I have a few available options, but you best believe there'll be a drink in my hand.
You guys see the puppy today? Oh! I wish he were wiggling in my arms right now! Ima give him an 8.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I don't wanna talk about it
I'm feeling quite stressed this week. So many things to do in every realm of my world, really need to buck up and buckle down.
On a positive note, here I am, day 2 of no smoke and I'm living! I've only had 1 piece of nicotene gum (I'm trying to be stingy so I can work the bad stuff out of my system quicker.)
Hmm...
Yeah. I don't want to talk about anything.
So. I'm not. Maybe I'll write later.
Daily Puppy rating: 8.
Monday, November 2, 2009
This is the end, beautiful friend.
I have a lot of anger in my heart at the moment. The stubborn side of me screaming "NO!" - but guess what, Anne? This has to be done. So deal.
As we were speaking of important dates yesterday, I feel I should mention we're pretty much at the year anniversary where I started smoking AGAIN. I feel a year is plenty of time to get over the trauma that reignited my horrible habit, so, today's it. I'm quitting. Again. Let's keep it real this time.
I'm putting in my hypnosis CD as soon as I'm done writing, then I'll probably pick up some fancy gum later and we'll do er right.
Wish me luck readers. I would do the same for you.
I hate quitting. I hate being a non smoker. I don't wanna. I'm mad. No, no, no, no, no. Okay.
Update: My body is in horrible pain. But I am a nonsmoker. A nonsmoker. Happy pain.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Owie, my head
Oh hangover Sunday. Let's reminisce about last night. . Got to check out the Flames game... unfortunate loss, but can't complain about getting to go! Then skittered over to Adam Hunter's for a lovely bash. Met another robot, which was wicked, discovered the advantages (awesome dancing skills) and disadvantages (inability to walk through doors/see anything/ sit down/ have people hear you) of my costume... played 3man, talked about silly things with awesome people... ate, drank, was merry - saw some amazing costumes. The best, of course, being Adam's brother who was a dead on David Bowie Goblin King ala Labrynth - his wife was Sarah and their baby, Toby. Incredible family get up.
Ughh.
My head is too sore to write now though. I need liquids, sleep, or something.
Also, happy veggieversary to me. 12 years clean. More importantly, happy birthiversary to one of the greatest people on earth, Chelsea Rauch. Happy Birthday Chelsea!
Also, happy veggieversary to me. 12 years clean. More importantly, happy birthiversary to one of the greatest people on earth, Chelsea Rauch. Happy Birthday Chelsea!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monkey Hooker Halloween Spook Story
A firey red ball falls to the floor, onto his shell body. Joel, a dashing young parasite, reacting on pure nerves, skitters quickly to the side. From above, the sole of a worn, yellow high heel.
Crunch.
Squish.
The shoe belongs to Sally Apesmick, a monkey hooker enjoying her first cigarette of the evening. She never intended to kill Joel. Sally is a lover, not a fighter. From Sally's legs, the parasite's family weep and cry revenge.
The night is cold. It's almost November.
Almost November, but not quite! My night. This is Halloween!
Sally's painted lips part suddenly in a huge grin showing a little too much teeth. A monkey hooker for real 364 days of the year... a monkey hooker for pretend on one. Tonight. Sally's night off.
Where first?
"Hey! Nice costume!" her thoughts are interrupted by a zebra dressed as Boba Fett.
"Thanks!" Sally calls back, "Where are you heading?"
The zebra gives her a crooked smile... "Haunted house."
His nasally, yet foreboding voice sends a shiver up the back of Sally's lavender halterdress.
"It's going to be super fun. If you aren't too scared."
Sally shrugs and climbs up Boba's back as he sings a song about haunted houses to the tune of "lollipop" and trots down the road.
The jungle gets darker and darker as the two move away from Animal City. Boba stops singing and slows to a walk as they head off trail.
"How far away is this place?" Sally moans. "I still need to get my drink on tonight."
"Did you ever hear the legend of the Dead Zebras?" Boba changes the subject.
"I dunno... something about dead zebras coming to life on..."
"On Halloween!" Boba finishes for her. "They come back to eat the souls of animals."
"It's just a story" Sally snorts as she eyes the forest with new fear.
"You sure?" Boba laughs and Sally falls mid air with a smack to the ground.
"Boba?"
A haunting neigh is the only response.
"BOBA!!!" She cries and starts running to where she thinks the trail is. Thunderous hoofbeats are coming from every direction.
"NOOO!" Sally only sees traces of black and white ghostlines. They're all around her.
*****
Sally awakes without a soul. The dead zebras gone with their dinner. Being soulless feels similar to being a hooker monkey on a bad day. She stumbles back to the path, relying purely on senses... the smell of the trees, the feel of dirt beneath her feet, the sound of...
The sound of her parasites.
"Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally..." they chant
"Yes..." The words that come out of her mouth feel unreal.
"Sally... you belong to us,"
"Yes."
"Sally... it's time to kill all the creatures you love most. It's time for revenge."
"Revenge." Sally repeats. But her words are not her own.
"For Joel."
Crunch.
Squish.
The shoe belongs to Sally Apesmick, a monkey hooker enjoying her first cigarette of the evening. She never intended to kill Joel. Sally is a lover, not a fighter. From Sally's legs, the parasite's family weep and cry revenge.
The night is cold. It's almost November.
Almost November, but not quite! My night. This is Halloween!
Sally's painted lips part suddenly in a huge grin showing a little too much teeth. A monkey hooker for real 364 days of the year... a monkey hooker for pretend on one. Tonight. Sally's night off.
Where first?
"Hey! Nice costume!" her thoughts are interrupted by a zebra dressed as Boba Fett.
"Thanks!" Sally calls back, "Where are you heading?"
The zebra gives her a crooked smile... "Haunted house."
His nasally, yet foreboding voice sends a shiver up the back of Sally's lavender halterdress.
"It's going to be super fun. If you aren't too scared."
Sally shrugs and climbs up Boba's back as he sings a song about haunted houses to the tune of "lollipop" and trots down the road.
The jungle gets darker and darker as the two move away from Animal City. Boba stops singing and slows to a walk as they head off trail.
"How far away is this place?" Sally moans. "I still need to get my drink on tonight."
"Did you ever hear the legend of the Dead Zebras?" Boba changes the subject.
"I dunno... something about dead zebras coming to life on..."
"On Halloween!" Boba finishes for her. "They come back to eat the souls of animals."
"It's just a story" Sally snorts as she eyes the forest with new fear.
"You sure?" Boba laughs and Sally falls mid air with a smack to the ground.
"Boba?"
A haunting neigh is the only response.
"BOBA!!!" She cries and starts running to where she thinks the trail is. Thunderous hoofbeats are coming from every direction.
"NOOO!" Sally only sees traces of black and white ghostlines. They're all around her.
*****
Sally awakes without a soul. The dead zebras gone with their dinner. Being soulless feels similar to being a hooker monkey on a bad day. She stumbles back to the path, relying purely on senses... the smell of the trees, the feel of dirt beneath her feet, the sound of...
The sound of her parasites.
"Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally..." they chant
"Yes..." The words that come out of her mouth feel unreal.
"Sally... you belong to us,"
"Yes."
"Sally... it's time to kill all the creatures you love most. It's time for revenge."
"Revenge." Sally repeats. But her words are not her own.
"For Joel."
Friday, October 30, 2009
Hey
5 minutes. I'm giving myself 5 minutes and that's it. But at least it's 5. Listen. Here's the scoop. I bought a computer yesterday. A laptopular computer that is on the top of my lap as we speak. It was an expensive and beautiful gift to me and I love it. I love it so much that I plan on using it. For school purposes? YOU BET YOUR ASS. But also for non school, blogging and fun time purposes. I make it my new computer resolution to write on this blog every day. Starting today.
And today's a busy day!
I'm about to take off to help move my g-folks into their new lodge. It's waaaayyyy past time they left the farm. This is a big day for my family. Much less worrying about them dying of malnutrition or falling down stairs and all that jazz. My g-pa's a typical stubborn old man though, so it took years of work on my mom's part to convince her folks they needed to leave the place he's been living since he was a baby.
2 minutes left.
So - other goals for the next day? Rake leaves, clean house, write halloween story, research communication journals pertaining to some theory i'm writing about later and MAKE ROBO COSTUME. That's it! I have till noon tomorrow.
Now 1 minute left. I guess I'll just use it to say
Hooker Monkey.
Love yous.
Anne
- Also, I'm totally cracking a beer after moving.
And today's a busy day!
I'm about to take off to help move my g-folks into their new lodge. It's waaaayyyy past time they left the farm. This is a big day for my family. Much less worrying about them dying of malnutrition or falling down stairs and all that jazz. My g-pa's a typical stubborn old man though, so it took years of work on my mom's part to convince her folks they needed to leave the place he's been living since he was a baby.
2 minutes left.
So - other goals for the next day? Rake leaves, clean house, write halloween story, research communication journals pertaining to some theory i'm writing about later and MAKE ROBO COSTUME. That's it! I have till noon tomorrow.
Now 1 minute left. I guess I'll just use it to say
Hooker Monkey.
Love yous.
Anne
- Also, I'm totally cracking a beer after moving.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Ask the Magic 8 Ball!!!
Dear Magic 8 Ball
Q1: I'm sorry I neglected you - are you mad at me?
A1: Signs point to yes.
I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Q2: Forgive me?
A2: Outlook good.
:D :D :D
Q3: (For Adam) Will Savage Garden die in a horrible head on collision with Hilary Duff?
A3: Don't count on it.
Well, annoying ppl don't deserve death. As an annoying person, I support this answer.
Q4: Will you be my boyfriend?
A4: Ask again later.
Still a little pissed I ignored you for so long, eh?
Q5: Magic 8 Ball, what's your best memory?
A5: Outlook not so good.
Had a rough life, eh? You poor dear. You know my best memory with you?
Right now, Magic 8 Ball. This moment we are sharing together.
Q6: Now will you be my boyfriend?
A6: My reply is no.
I'll win you over eventually, Magic 8 Ball.
Q7: Is there someone else?
A7: Ask again later.
Oh.
Q8: It's like that?
A8: Don't count on it.
You're confusing me 8 Ball. Maybe we should talk again when you're not so pissy. I have standards, you know. You can't just play "ambiguous 8 Ball" and expect me to stick around. 8 Ball.
You know what? I take back my reply to Q5. We've had way better talks than this.
Anyone have a question for the 8 Ball? Like "Where do you get off talking to Anne Baxter like that?" or "What should I make for dinner?"
Q1: I'm sorry I neglected you - are you mad at me?
A1: Signs point to yes.
I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Q2: Forgive me?
A2: Outlook good.
:D :D :D
Q3: (For Adam) Will Savage Garden die in a horrible head on collision with Hilary Duff?
A3: Don't count on it.
Well, annoying ppl don't deserve death. As an annoying person, I support this answer.
Q4: Will you be my boyfriend?
A4: Ask again later.
Still a little pissed I ignored you for so long, eh?
Q5: Magic 8 Ball, what's your best memory?
A5: Outlook not so good.
Had a rough life, eh? You poor dear. You know my best memory with you?
Right now, Magic 8 Ball. This moment we are sharing together.
Q6: Now will you be my boyfriend?
A6: My reply is no.
I'll win you over eventually, Magic 8 Ball.
Q7: Is there someone else?
A7: Ask again later.
Oh.
Q8: It's like that?
A8: Don't count on it.
You're confusing me 8 Ball. Maybe we should talk again when you're not so pissy. I have standards, you know. You can't just play "ambiguous 8 Ball" and expect me to stick around. 8 Ball.
You know what? I take back my reply to Q5. We've had way better talks than this.
Anyone have a question for the 8 Ball? Like "Where do you get off talking to Anne Baxter like that?" or "What should I make for dinner?"
Friday, October 2, 2009
Yackety Yack
Don't talk back.
Movies I want to watch??? Deadwalkers is playing Oct 7 - 15 bucks a ticket! Adam! Your brother is in this - don't you want to see it??? I surely do.
What else... well... I have the house to myself right now so Ima play music. Hopefully I'll get my act together and do some homework in a bit. Gaging by how excited I am to drink tonight, I definitely shouldn't leave it till tomorrow morn before class.
Sorry I'm so boring right now. Why don't you yell blopics at me? That would be swell.
Movies I want to watch??? Deadwalkers is playing Oct 7 - 15 bucks a ticket! Adam! Your brother is in this - don't you want to see it??? I surely do.
What else... well... I have the house to myself right now so Ima play music. Hopefully I'll get my act together and do some homework in a bit. Gaging by how excited I am to drink tonight, I definitely shouldn't leave it till tomorrow morn before class.
Sorry I'm so boring right now. Why don't you yell blopics at me? That would be swell.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Halloween Costume
Okay. I've decided. Although I appreciate Frank's skateboard offering, I'm going as a Ghostbuster. With the emergence of the Ghostbusters video game, as well as with the new movie coming out next year, I feel this costume will keep me ahead of the curve of awesome. Plus, it'll be a dream realized. I'm satisfied.
What of life?
Life's great!!! I love lamp. I love mistakes, I love excitement, I love experience and learning. I love bubblegum, I love animals, I love you, I love me. And I love coffee.
Movies I want you to watch with me:
Inglorious Basterds
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
The Cove
Zombieland
Dead Snow
Update: Found skanky Ghostbuster's costume. YES!!! (Too bad it only comes in size WTF?)
Update II : Found another chick Ghostbuster uniform. This one also makes me hate being a woman.
What of life?
Life's great!!! I love lamp. I love mistakes, I love excitement, I love experience and learning. I love bubblegum, I love animals, I love you, I love me. And I love coffee.
Movies I want you to watch with me:
Inglorious Basterds
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
The Cove
Zombieland
Dead Snow
Update: Found skanky Ghostbuster's costume. YES!!! (Too bad it only comes in size WTF?)
Update II : Found another chick Ghostbuster uniform. This one also makes me hate being a woman.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
BLARGH!!!
I hate being crazy. Okay, I love it usually... but I hate hate hate it when I'm waiting for... say... Christmas presents. Yeah... Christmas presents... and I want to find out if I'm getting any and I can't peek and I have to wait wait wait and I wanna present! But what if there aren't any presents? What if Santa doesn't exist, or maybe he does, but he's not going to visit because I haven't been good enough? WHAT OF THAT???
Hello again.
Let's not worry about Christmas. It's just a metaphor.
Let's talk about Halloween! I think (think think) I'm going to be a skater witch. Youtube it. I just need a gang... anyone into it? And the use of a skateboard. Although, if I was badass enough, I'd steal a skateboard like the chick in the film.
I also watched Ghostbusters the other day and had a real hankering for a ghostbusters uniform. That could definately be reused. What other costume ideas? Hmm... well, neither of mine are very skanky and I may be breaking some sort of rule that way. But busting makes me feel good! And skater witches are hot just cause they're so badass and don't follow the rules. I dunno. What are you kids going to be for halloween? Should we start throwing out suggestions? I know part of the fun is the suprise of a great costume... but F that! I have very few readers and we'll keep it hush hush. Right guys?
Oooh - maybe I could go as a Magic 8 Ball!
Hello again.
Let's not worry about Christmas. It's just a metaphor.
Let's talk about Halloween! I think (think think) I'm going to be a skater witch. Youtube it. I just need a gang... anyone into it? And the use of a skateboard. Although, if I was badass enough, I'd steal a skateboard like the chick in the film.
I also watched Ghostbusters the other day and had a real hankering for a ghostbusters uniform. That could definately be reused. What other costume ideas? Hmm... well, neither of mine are very skanky and I may be breaking some sort of rule that way. But busting makes me feel good! And skater witches are hot just cause they're so badass and don't follow the rules. I dunno. What are you kids going to be for halloween? Should we start throwing out suggestions? I know part of the fun is the suprise of a great costume... but F that! I have very few readers and we'll keep it hush hush. Right guys?
Oooh - maybe I could go as a Magic 8 Ball!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Who would win in a fight to the death - Oprah Winfrey or Martha Stewart?
Slick blonde hair covers the woman's features in the cell beside her.
Oprah sighs and continues to wait, hoping it's not who she thinks. The woman
moves for the first time, coughing and spitting out something that looks like
congealed blood. She comes to, shaking the hair out of her face.
"Martha?" Oprah whispers.
The woman is in an obvious daze and doesn't seem to register her words.
"Martha Steeeewart!" Oprah enunciates, as if introducing a guest.
Martha looks and a hoarse laugh escapes her throat.
"He's finally got us." she croaks.
"It couldn't last forever," Oprah smiles back.
"How long have you been up?"
"A couple hours. You look like hell."
"You haven't had 3 hours of make up, yourself."
A sharp metallic thud interrupts the chatter as soft footsteps enter the corridor.
"You have a debt to pay." The newcomer announces, "Are you ready?"
"Yes." The women echo and follow him to a noisy, pitch black arena. They're
separated to opposite ends and a blinding blue light changes the rowdy crowd to
silent spectators.
"Finally." The deep voice seems to come from inside the mind of every creature and
humanoid.
"Centuries ago you came to this planet as refugees and criminals. You've lived many
lives and have at times sought to redeem your sins. Did you think you could earn
my forgiveness? Did you think the KING OF PLUTO would soften with time?! You know
the tradition. Justice for one, freedom for the other. Decide your fate. Only one will
live."
A buzzer rings, the crowd roars and Oprah pushes the muscles of her human body
to the limit, sprinting across the dirt as Martha grabs a nearby chain and swings it
overhead. Winfrey dives, kicking Stewart's legs out from under her. The women
grapple on the ground, chain wrapping around them. It's like a black and white
cookie gone bad. Muscles shaking, sweat pouring out as each woman takes turns
pinning the other as hair rips from skulls, eyes from sockets, breasts from bras.
Oprah lands on top and manages to maneuver the chain around Martha's throat,
pulling tight. "My sister," she sobs, tears mixing with blood as the life fades from
her opponent. A sudden, sharp pain registers in Winfrey's side, but like jogging
cramps, she ignores it until she's sure Stewart dead.
Oprah falls back and removes an embedded shiv. Medics assist her, joking "Always
bet on black!" Oprah wretches at the bad joke and her brutality, but is relieved she will live to host
another day and no longer have to hide from Pluto's violent ruler.
Back home, Winfrey discovers the "Shiv" Stewart stuck in her actually contains
genetic material that results in a Martha clone 9 months later. And that's a
good thing. Because they were ACTUAL sisters, on Pluto, those many centuries
ago... and had tag teamed the Queen Mom who'd died after a rather violent orgasm.
So... that's how/why that all happened.
Oprah sighs and continues to wait, hoping it's not who she thinks. The woman
moves for the first time, coughing and spitting out something that looks like
congealed blood. She comes to, shaking the hair out of her face.
"Martha?" Oprah whispers.
The woman is in an obvious daze and doesn't seem to register her words.
"Martha Steeeewart!" Oprah enunciates, as if introducing a guest.
Martha looks and a hoarse laugh escapes her throat.
"He's finally got us." she croaks.
"It couldn't last forever," Oprah smiles back.
"How long have you been up?"
"A couple hours. You look like hell."
"You haven't had 3 hours of make up, yourself."
A sharp metallic thud interrupts the chatter as soft footsteps enter the corridor.
"You have a debt to pay." The newcomer announces, "Are you ready?"
"Yes." The women echo and follow him to a noisy, pitch black arena. They're
separated to opposite ends and a blinding blue light changes the rowdy crowd to
silent spectators.
"Finally." The deep voice seems to come from inside the mind of every creature and
humanoid.
"Centuries ago you came to this planet as refugees and criminals. You've lived many
lives and have at times sought to redeem your sins. Did you think you could earn
my forgiveness? Did you think the KING OF PLUTO would soften with time?! You know
the tradition. Justice for one, freedom for the other. Decide your fate. Only one will
live."
A buzzer rings, the crowd roars and Oprah pushes the muscles of her human body
to the limit, sprinting across the dirt as Martha grabs a nearby chain and swings it
overhead. Winfrey dives, kicking Stewart's legs out from under her. The women
grapple on the ground, chain wrapping around them. It's like a black and white
cookie gone bad. Muscles shaking, sweat pouring out as each woman takes turns
pinning the other as hair rips from skulls, eyes from sockets, breasts from bras.
Oprah lands on top and manages to maneuver the chain around Martha's throat,
pulling tight. "My sister," she sobs, tears mixing with blood as the life fades from
her opponent. A sudden, sharp pain registers in Winfrey's side, but like jogging
cramps, she ignores it until she's sure Stewart dead.
Oprah falls back and removes an embedded shiv. Medics assist her, joking "Always
bet on black!" Oprah wretches at the bad joke and her brutality, but is relieved she will live to host
another day and no longer have to hide from Pluto's violent ruler.
Back home, Winfrey discovers the "Shiv" Stewart stuck in her actually contains
genetic material that results in a Martha clone 9 months later. And that's a
good thing. Because they were ACTUAL sisters, on Pluto, those many centuries
ago... and had tag teamed the Queen Mom who'd died after a rather violent orgasm.
So... that's how/why that all happened.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Pre School Jitters - Philosophy with Hilary Duff
Another sleepy, too excited to sleep, but will sleep soon and grog it up in the morning post. (Note to self: buy instant coffee. Yesssss.)
My first day of classes are tomorrow... I'm getting excited. I'm prattling non-stop in my head after getting the course outline for General Studies (It's the foundations of "western thought" - philosophy type stuff). Oh geez. I need to sleep. My brain is aching to chew on the meaning of life. It starts tomorrow. Am I ready? Both fuck yes, and hell no. But mostly fuck yes.
Deep Thoughts
I watched a chick flick today called "Raise Your Voice" and yes, it was awful. Just tripe. Worst chick flick ever, I want it to die. It's like a Hilary Duff song. I CAN'T HANDLE IT. Anyway. Horrible.
However, during my constant mocking of the film, I got in a slightly philosophical debate with my friend Asha. This douche-bag loser who likes Hilary comforts her by saying "Artists experience pain differently" like an artists pain was more meaningful, or something. And I yelled at the TV a little. Then Asha AGREED with the movie, and I had to think about it awhile, but I suppose she's right. It was just the acting that threw me off Asha, and it's certainly not to say anyone's pain's more meaningful, but different is just too strong of a word. Duh. Anyway. That's pretty deep. But, don't watch the movie.
Don't.
Unless you like Hilary Duff, then you'll probably like it. I just don't like her. She reminds me of savage garden in the way that I feel like I'm naturally and instinctually her enemy. She just bristles my fur.
Right. I'm getting out my stupid now so I can be smart tomorrow. Stop judging me blog. I've missed you. I had to write something. HI READERS! Yowza! Magic 8 Ball is in my car and giving me puppy dog eyes every time I sit beside him. Have a question?
My first day of classes are tomorrow... I'm getting excited. I'm prattling non-stop in my head after getting the course outline for General Studies (It's the foundations of "western thought" - philosophy type stuff). Oh geez. I need to sleep. My brain is aching to chew on the meaning of life. It starts tomorrow. Am I ready? Both fuck yes, and hell no. But mostly fuck yes.
Deep Thoughts
I watched a chick flick today called "Raise Your Voice" and yes, it was awful. Just tripe. Worst chick flick ever, I want it to die. It's like a Hilary Duff song. I CAN'T HANDLE IT. Anyway. Horrible.
However, during my constant mocking of the film, I got in a slightly philosophical debate with my friend Asha. This douche-bag loser who likes Hilary comforts her by saying "Artists experience pain differently" like an artists pain was more meaningful, or something. And I yelled at the TV a little. Then Asha AGREED with the movie, and I had to think about it awhile, but I suppose she's right. It was just the acting that threw me off Asha, and it's certainly not to say anyone's pain's more meaningful, but different is just too strong of a word. Duh. Anyway. That's pretty deep. But, don't watch the movie.
Don't.
Unless you like Hilary Duff, then you'll probably like it. I just don't like her. She reminds me of savage garden in the way that I feel like I'm naturally and instinctually her enemy. She just bristles my fur.
Right. I'm getting out my stupid now so I can be smart tomorrow. Stop judging me blog. I've missed you. I had to write something. HI READERS! Yowza! Magic 8 Ball is in my car and giving me puppy dog eyes every time I sit beside him. Have a question?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Hi, sorry.
It's been too long my little friend. Life is crazy and wild and transitional and stuff. I haven't been in front of a computer a lot. I'm coming back... I am. I'll write to you, I promise. I'm sorry. We'll talk about all sorts of things. Aaaaalllllll kinds of things. Topics like "Let's Get a Job!" and "Ask the Magic 8 Ball! Gets Married!" aaaanndd "Shoes: Foot Prisons?" You know. The issues. Right now I'm laying on my old twin bed in my new room... life, I say. I feel like a kid in this little bed. It's my bed. I love it. Transition is close to being complete. So sleepy.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Aliens?
I was 12 when it happened. An innocent 4-H tobbogan party. Crisp, white snow hidden under the black veil of night. By the time I saw the jump it was too late. I hit hard and landed very strangely on my back. I could barely walk and sat indoors in extreme pain until it was time to go home. My back killed me for 2 days. I wondered if I did permanent damage. The third morning, I was miraculously better. But... there was a strange mark on my spine. I'd never noticed it before. It's still there to this day.
Flash forward 14 years. For the past month I've had a pimple shaped bump on my back, directly over the spine. It doesn't change size. It hasn't turned into a pimple. Putting medication on it has done nothing.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Why me, aliens? And, do i ever get to meet you? What's up with this new bump? Is it a tiny alien baby that's only now starting to grow? When will it hatch?
Flash forward 14 years. For the past month I've had a pimple shaped bump on my back, directly over the spine. It doesn't change size. It hasn't turned into a pimple. Putting medication on it has done nothing.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Why me, aliens? And, do i ever get to meet you? What's up with this new bump? Is it a tiny alien baby that's only now starting to grow? When will it hatch?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Let's Talk About Text Pt 3
My darling Lindsay sent me this blopic.
"Textual Attraction" -Discuss
Sometimes I think that a guy is really cool, so I give him my number and he then shatters my dreams by either A) Texting me before calling me which is not ok. B) Using contractions and text lingo, or whatever the fuck it's called. Spell the fucking word. Take the time. I will not date someone who wants to know if "ur going out 2nite'' for the same reason I will not get my hair cut at a place called "Scizzor Banditz", it's not funny, it's not cute, cut the shit, C) Uses a :) or a ;( or a fucking :P. The father of my children will NEVER have ended a conversation with a sideways face. End of story.
Wow – you said a lot there Lindsay
Okay – let’s ABC this.
A) Wait – guys CALL you? What? FUCK! You have some standards lady! Maybe I should get me some. Standards.
B) SHUDDER. Yes. The only people who are allowed to text me like that are my parents because texting a sentence is a ½ hour process for them. I prefer they don’t text at all. But, INSTANT turnoff for dudes… unless they’re just being annoying-cute. Then it’s annoying. But forgivable.
C) Okay, I’m bad for the faces. I do it. I sideface. Because sometimes an emoticon can change the whole “feel” of a text. Don’t overdo it though. I sideface 1 in 20 texts? I dunno. More to people who sideface me, anyway. I will never father your children.
Also, I will also probably side face you in a lot of texts from now on in an attempt to be cute and annoying ;) Puke.
D) To add to this discussion… what about jerk faces who are good texters? Why is proper grammar and the ability to string a sentence together such a turn on?? A good back and forth can drive me insane. What? You’re a no good bum? I don’t care. Text me you dreamboat!
E) I think this might constitute as “whoring” but sometimes I dream of starting a sexting business where I charge people $1.25 per sext message. That way maybe I’d get to sext a little more and I like money. But then I’d have to prevent myself from yelling at bad texters. Man, life is a trick. And if I can't get people to sext me for free, I don't know how I'll get them to pay for the priviledge. Ughhh.
Okay. Good talk. Really like how I made myself look like a pathetic hobag. Good. You needed to know.
Heart your face Lindsay. Most of the rest of you as well.
"Textual Attraction" -Discuss
Sometimes I think that a guy is really cool, so I give him my number and he then shatters my dreams by either A) Texting me before calling me which is not ok. B) Using contractions and text lingo, or whatever the fuck it's called. Spell the fucking word. Take the time. I will not date someone who wants to know if "ur going out 2nite'' for the same reason I will not get my hair cut at a place called "Scizzor Banditz", it's not funny, it's not cute, cut the shit, C) Uses a :) or a ;( or a fucking :P. The father of my children will NEVER have ended a conversation with a sideways face. End of story.
Wow – you said a lot there Lindsay
Okay – let’s ABC this.
A) Wait – guys CALL you? What? FUCK! You have some standards lady! Maybe I should get me some. Standards.
B) SHUDDER. Yes. The only people who are allowed to text me like that are my parents because texting a sentence is a ½ hour process for them. I prefer they don’t text at all. But, INSTANT turnoff for dudes… unless they’re just being annoying-cute. Then it’s annoying. But forgivable.
C) Okay, I’m bad for the faces. I do it. I sideface. Because sometimes an emoticon can change the whole “feel” of a text. Don’t overdo it though. I sideface 1 in 20 texts? I dunno. More to people who sideface me, anyway. I will never father your children.
Also, I will also probably side face you in a lot of texts from now on in an attempt to be cute and annoying ;) Puke.
D) To add to this discussion… what about jerk faces who are good texters? Why is proper grammar and the ability to string a sentence together such a turn on?? A good back and forth can drive me insane. What? You’re a no good bum? I don’t care. Text me you dreamboat!
E) I think this might constitute as “whoring” but sometimes I dream of starting a sexting business where I charge people $1.25 per sext message. That way maybe I’d get to sext a little more and I like money. But then I’d have to prevent myself from yelling at bad texters. Man, life is a trick. And if I can't get people to sext me for free, I don't know how I'll get them to pay for the priviledge. Ughhh.
Okay. Good talk. Really like how I made myself look like a pathetic hobag. Good. You needed to know.
Heart your face Lindsay. Most of the rest of you as well.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
NYC Friday #1
Noon wake up - dang! We miss our complimentary muffin and coffee breakfast! Such is life, let's explore!! The first place we hit is Cheap Jack's Vintage Clothing. Cheap Jack is having a sale! Up to 70% off! Walk in and find racks and racks of clothing from the 20's to the 90's. Funky dresses, killer hats, shoes, accessories... I'm immediately drawn to the disco shirt area (I've owned several in my life and am now down to one very sad disco shirt) - but alas!! The "discount" prices still put my beloved shirts at 80 bucks or more... not happening! But, still fun to look through. I wonder into the basement to find Jeff in the Men's clothing area. Cheap Jack's is seriously filled to the brim with the sweetest clothes... velour, polyester, jean, leather, ?? ... gah! We play lots of dress up and "look at this!" Jeff buys a couple of sweet t-shirts (pin-up tennis girl and Weezer)(which are a reasonable 20 bucks a pop) I wave goodbye to my beautiful disco shirts and we hit the town again. Next stop is Papaya Dog, where Jeff grabs a Philly Cheese Steak and Papaya Drink. I settle for a "Wizard" ice cream - as the name implies, it's magical, with nuts and chocolate and magic. We sit on the steps of the New York Library to eat and people watch. I'm actually really into pigeon watching as well. There's a really decrepit one that's hanging around us. I chase him. He's not really into it. Seen worse.
We hail a NYC cab to the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) it's free day after 3:30, but we're early, so we walk down to Central Park.
Central Park is absolutely beautiful. Lush, peaceful. I see a turtle, we pass a kid's fair and walk up to this little wood shelter where you can sign out games. Jeff and I choose checkers and I play THE FIRST GAME OF CHECKERS IN MY LIFE. I lose brutally. Round 2 we tie. Checkers is fun though! Good stuff. It's starting to rain and MoMA's free, so we pack up and head out. Animals here are so sophisticated. On our way we pass a dog who's a foot from a squirrel and neither of them take any concern. Come on dog!! What are you doing?? Squirrel! Wake up! What is going on?!
We get to MoMA and there's people everywhere on the street, 4 across, around the whole block. We find the entrance and discover we're not the only ones in on this "free day" thing, so we have to line up as well. Walk around the block again to find the end of the line. We pass the American Folk Art Museum when we're walking that ALSO has free Friday at 5:30 - with live music! Hmm? Then I hop out of line to grab a drink at the vendor. I see Hawaiian punch - OMG! I get really flustered and excited and buy it and find Jeff and he says "Oh, not Tahiti treat." SHIT! That's right! That's the special good one. The Hawaiian punch is pretty lame, I pout and swig it down. We get museum tix and make our way through the swarm. No backpacks allowed, so I fold mine funny and pretend it's a modern art purse thing. Totally fool them. Get in and the art is pretty strange. I actually am frustrated by a lot of it. I can't see the talent, my emotions aren't provoked... I dunno. It's kinda lame-o. Plus, it's soooo busy. One cool thing we see is this Japanese artist's mom's house frame and everything she ever owned laid out. It's supposed to showcase the "waste not" attitude of that gen and was pretty cool to see. The museum is 4 levels and huge, so we bust through each and get out. I apologize to Jeff.
It's pouring rain, so we seek shelter at the front of this church to rest our feet. The rain inspires us to check out the other museum.
The Museum of Folk Art is cool! Especially after the MoMA madness. It's pretty empty and peaceful. There's kaleidoscope inspired quilts, wood sculptures of alien monsters, crazy water colour paintings of kids fighting evil adults... I dig it. A lot.
The band begins to play downstairs and we catch their set. Jessie Murphy in The Woods, not a folk band (suprisingly), but an Indie trio of girls who pull out different funky instruments for every song it seems. My two favorite tunes feature horses - one, inspired by a Derby horse that broke both front legs coming in second, and another about being excited to be a horse again (reincarnation style, methinks.) The band ends, it's still raining and my hooves and head are sore, so we hail a cab back to the hotel.
Pain killers and beer. I'm good to go again! We grab dinner on our way to the Upright Citizen's Brigade (A sketch comedy institution/bar) Hubbard brings his slice of pizza into the sushi place I'm magnetically drawn to. I indulge in the form of avacado peanut and veggie tempura rolls.
At UCB Theater we line up, confusion involving tickets and bathrooms, line up again, get in, front row seats! Wee! The show is called "Backyard Brawl" 2 hilarious sketch groups, Bleak!Comedy and TheStraightMen battle it out through 6 sketches, looking for audience votes to win their way back next week. It's hosted by another couple of comedy groups, Sidecar and M.A.D. who perform also.
I laugh a lot... till I cry at one point during M.A.D.'s "Moist" sketch... (you'll hear me using this word a lot more frequently now) The show's only 5 bucks - and there's comedy here 7 nights a week, so if you're in NYC - GO! (Did I mention one of the founders is my beloved Amy Poehler?) Upright Citizens Brigade also has lots of comedy classes you can take, which Jeff and I dream of as part of the NY life we are creating.
Show's out and we stop by a recommended bar "Stout" for a drink. A big black bouncer comes out singing, so I'm pretty sure it'll be a fun place. I stroll in non-chalantly, then realize Jeff isn't with me and find him getting IDed outside. The bouncers call me a cradle robber! How old do I look?? Old enough, baby. Okay, where am I? Yes. So I grab a Manhattan, Hubbard, a Wild Horse Double Stout and we sit in a non busy section and chill. The bar's pretty cool, but there's not much to do, so we finish drinks and wander home, peeking into Irish pubs along the way.
2:30am, back at the hotel, beer and karaoke googling. Duece Bigalo, European Gigalo is the bedtime story. Hey! APW tomorrow! YES! To say I heart New York is an extreme understatement at this point. Great first full day.
We hail a NYC cab to the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) it's free day after 3:30, but we're early, so we walk down to Central Park.
Central Park is absolutely beautiful. Lush, peaceful. I see a turtle, we pass a kid's fair and walk up to this little wood shelter where you can sign out games. Jeff and I choose checkers and I play THE FIRST GAME OF CHECKERS IN MY LIFE. I lose brutally. Round 2 we tie. Checkers is fun though! Good stuff. It's starting to rain and MoMA's free, so we pack up and head out. Animals here are so sophisticated. On our way we pass a dog who's a foot from a squirrel and neither of them take any concern. Come on dog!! What are you doing?? Squirrel! Wake up! What is going on?!
We get to MoMA and there's people everywhere on the street, 4 across, around the whole block. We find the entrance and discover we're not the only ones in on this "free day" thing, so we have to line up as well. Walk around the block again to find the end of the line. We pass the American Folk Art Museum when we're walking that ALSO has free Friday at 5:30 - with live music! Hmm? Then I hop out of line to grab a drink at the vendor. I see Hawaiian punch - OMG! I get really flustered and excited and buy it and find Jeff and he says "Oh, not Tahiti treat." SHIT! That's right! That's the special good one. The Hawaiian punch is pretty lame, I pout and swig it down. We get museum tix and make our way through the swarm. No backpacks allowed, so I fold mine funny and pretend it's a modern art purse thing. Totally fool them. Get in and the art is pretty strange. I actually am frustrated by a lot of it. I can't see the talent, my emotions aren't provoked... I dunno. It's kinda lame-o. Plus, it's soooo busy. One cool thing we see is this Japanese artist's mom's house frame and everything she ever owned laid out. It's supposed to showcase the "waste not" attitude of that gen and was pretty cool to see. The museum is 4 levels and huge, so we bust through each and get out. I apologize to Jeff.
It's pouring rain, so we seek shelter at the front of this church to rest our feet. The rain inspires us to check out the other museum.
The Museum of Folk Art is cool! Especially after the MoMA madness. It's pretty empty and peaceful. There's kaleidoscope inspired quilts, wood sculptures of alien monsters, crazy water colour paintings of kids fighting evil adults... I dig it. A lot.
The band begins to play downstairs and we catch their set. Jessie Murphy in The Woods, not a folk band (suprisingly), but an Indie trio of girls who pull out different funky instruments for every song it seems. My two favorite tunes feature horses - one, inspired by a Derby horse that broke both front legs coming in second, and another about being excited to be a horse again (reincarnation style, methinks.) The band ends, it's still raining and my hooves and head are sore, so we hail a cab back to the hotel.
Pain killers and beer. I'm good to go again! We grab dinner on our way to the Upright Citizen's Brigade (A sketch comedy institution/bar) Hubbard brings his slice of pizza into the sushi place I'm magnetically drawn to. I indulge in the form of avacado peanut and veggie tempura rolls.
At UCB Theater we line up, confusion involving tickets and bathrooms, line up again, get in, front row seats! Wee! The show is called "Backyard Brawl" 2 hilarious sketch groups, Bleak!Comedy and TheStraightMen battle it out through 6 sketches, looking for audience votes to win their way back next week. It's hosted by another couple of comedy groups, Sidecar and M.A.D. who perform also.
I laugh a lot... till I cry at one point during M.A.D.'s "Moist" sketch... (you'll hear me using this word a lot more frequently now) The show's only 5 bucks - and there's comedy here 7 nights a week, so if you're in NYC - GO! (Did I mention one of the founders is my beloved Amy Poehler?) Upright Citizens Brigade also has lots of comedy classes you can take, which Jeff and I dream of as part of the NY life we are creating.
Show's out and we stop by a recommended bar "Stout" for a drink. A big black bouncer comes out singing, so I'm pretty sure it'll be a fun place. I stroll in non-chalantly, then realize Jeff isn't with me and find him getting IDed outside. The bouncers call me a cradle robber! How old do I look?? Old enough, baby. Okay, where am I? Yes. So I grab a Manhattan, Hubbard, a Wild Horse Double Stout and we sit in a non busy section and chill. The bar's pretty cool, but there's not much to do, so we finish drinks and wander home, peeking into Irish pubs along the way.
2:30am, back at the hotel, beer and karaoke googling. Duece Bigalo, European Gigalo is the bedtime story. Hey! APW tomorrow! YES! To say I heart New York is an extreme understatement at this point. Great first full day.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
blip blop bloop blog
My delicious friend Chelsea Rauch - WHO I GET TO SEE TONIGHT!!! Gave me some helpful blopic suggestions. Asha too... maybe.
So
1) It was a hilar email. I may discuss further points later, but let's talk about this one.
*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
YES! PLEASE! Someone - destroy my computer history and my journal - please god my journal, when I die. Facebook will also need to be destroyed. AND NO LOOKING JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE CURIOUS. I only want people to love dead Anne. I DO take steps to periodically destroy portions of my misadventures and twisted thoughts, but it's up to you too! I really need to come up with a buddy system for this sort of thing. Also! Readers! If you're interested in a momento from my death, send your requests! I've already let Chelsea know that I'm leaving her a kitten... even though I don't own a kitten, I want her to go pick up a free one to remember me by. (Perhaps you could name it Baxter?)
2) 101 had people over!! I wasn't informed of this!! How DARE they!! Josh was sick yesterday! Sick people shouldn't have parties. They are sneaky and we will confront them tonight. Also, I love bats. Sorry! But I do.
3) The daily puppy is so wicked rad! I usually adore it - yesterday's was a little dirty, I'll give you that. But I'm usually pro puppy. I looked for a daily kitten and there was none. I tried to make my own daily kitten link, but it didn't work. :( Sorry my friend! Only puppies for now!
4) Okay - Backstreet Boys vs. NSync. Well... I was too cool to listen to either when I was a rock n roll child... but, I will say Justin Timberlake with his curly hair was quite appealing... I also thought JC was tasty. BSB, I liked well... no one really. And I'd also pick NSync in a fight, since they have 5 members to BSB's 4. So... even though I never listened to either... I still get their songs in my head sometimes. I don't know. Any of YOU have thoughts on the "bands"?
So
1) It was a hilar email. I may discuss further points later, but let's talk about this one.
*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
YES! PLEASE! Someone - destroy my computer history and my journal - please god my journal, when I die. Facebook will also need to be destroyed. AND NO LOOKING JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE CURIOUS. I only want people to love dead Anne. I DO take steps to periodically destroy portions of my misadventures and twisted thoughts, but it's up to you too! I really need to come up with a buddy system for this sort of thing. Also! Readers! If you're interested in a momento from my death, send your requests! I've already let Chelsea know that I'm leaving her a kitten... even though I don't own a kitten, I want her to go pick up a free one to remember me by. (Perhaps you could name it Baxter?)
2) 101 had people over!! I wasn't informed of this!! How DARE they!! Josh was sick yesterday! Sick people shouldn't have parties. They are sneaky and we will confront them tonight. Also, I love bats. Sorry! But I do.
3) The daily puppy is so wicked rad! I usually adore it - yesterday's was a little dirty, I'll give you that. But I'm usually pro puppy. I looked for a daily kitten and there was none. I tried to make my own daily kitten link, but it didn't work. :( Sorry my friend! Only puppies for now!
4) Okay - Backstreet Boys vs. NSync. Well... I was too cool to listen to either when I was a rock n roll child... but, I will say Justin Timberlake with his curly hair was quite appealing... I also thought JC was tasty. BSB, I liked well... no one really. And I'd also pick NSync in a fight, since they have 5 members to BSB's 4. So... even though I never listened to either... I still get their songs in my head sometimes. I don't know. Any of YOU have thoughts on the "bands"?
Shoot!
I forgot my little travel journal at home for the second day, so I won't be writing about my trip. Any blopic suggestions?
Monday, August 10, 2009
Blog News.
K... My blog is going to get a little vacation journaly for awhile, so I'm going to try to mix it up with random gaymo posts in between. K? Sorry. I didn't intend for this to become a "Dear Diary" thing when I started. Just random shiz. I'm so NYC crazy right now it doesn't even matta though. It's all I'm going to think about for awhile. Except... I should probably think about work. WORK. Hahaha! 10 more days of it and I'm gone!!
Monday, August 3, 2009
NYC Thursday #1
My last flog blog ends just before we land in Dallas. The next flight I'm window seat and pretty obsessed with staring outside. The gay flight attendent, Jasper, didn't serve us (instead we got Gladys)I listened to Norm MacDonald on Jeff's Ipod (Tex Hooper - hilar) and yadda yadda yadda - Now we're in New York!!!
Hopped our first Taxi and settled into a wicked room. Nicer than internet pics, super clean, Midtown Manhattan... seriously... boner hotel. But who gives a fuck about the hotel!? Let's hit the streets.
We wonder out and get a black and white cookie each from the first shop we walk into. Yes. The cookies are AWESOME! Even people walking on the street were like - HEY! Black and White cookie! Oh the love!
We end up in Chelsea, a lot of people are trying to get me to thread my eyebrows. Best deal - 3 bucks! But I had them waxed before my vacation. Damn my vanity! Cookies are done - maybe something a little more substantial? We grab pizza and Jeff gets some sort of funky concotion from this little place. I can't BELIEVE how good mine tastes. Love the view too - gaydar is beeping like crazy! Do a little stoop sitting, then grab beersky's from Whole Foods Market. Jeff picks Brooklyn Beer and I buy very overpriced Gonzo Imperial Porter. A tall dark and handsome stares at me awkwardly until I offer to show him my ID. This pleases him, then he jokes about how my birthday must fall on Thanksgiving some years, for the sake of pleasant banter I play along and pretend I'm American. After hitting a second liquor store for chamagne, we head home, I choke down 1 disgusting Gonzo beer, Jeff has a tasty Brookyln Beer and we crash HARD. Wake up at Midnight and wonder through Times Square, sit on the steps of the US postal building, walk by Madison Square Gardens and get back around 2amish? I dunno. More sleep.
Hopped our first Taxi and settled into a wicked room. Nicer than internet pics, super clean, Midtown Manhattan... seriously... boner hotel. But who gives a fuck about the hotel!? Let's hit the streets.
We wonder out and get a black and white cookie each from the first shop we walk into. Yes. The cookies are AWESOME! Even people walking on the street were like - HEY! Black and White cookie! Oh the love!
We end up in Chelsea, a lot of people are trying to get me to thread my eyebrows. Best deal - 3 bucks! But I had them waxed before my vacation. Damn my vanity! Cookies are done - maybe something a little more substantial? We grab pizza and Jeff gets some sort of funky concotion from this little place. I can't BELIEVE how good mine tastes. Love the view too - gaydar is beeping like crazy! Do a little stoop sitting, then grab beersky's from Whole Foods Market. Jeff picks Brooklyn Beer and I buy very overpriced Gonzo Imperial Porter. A tall dark and handsome stares at me awkwardly until I offer to show him my ID. This pleases him, then he jokes about how my birthday must fall on Thanksgiving some years, for the sake of pleasant banter I play along and pretend I'm American. After hitting a second liquor store for chamagne, we head home, I choke down 1 disgusting Gonzo beer, Jeff has a tasty Brookyln Beer and we crash HARD. Wake up at Midnight and wonder through Times Square, sit on the steps of the US postal building, walk by Madison Square Gardens and get back around 2amish? I dunno. More sleep.
Friday, July 31, 2009
FLOG!!
Flogging!!
4:45am Jeff and I arrive at the Calgary Airport, sleepy and excited. Let the line-ups begin!
5:15 After realizing I'd lied while answering multiple "Do you have any fruits or vegetables?" Very serious questionaires, I reluctantly throw away the fruit cup and package of spitz I had stored in my purse. I'm tired and will give you whatever you want as long as we can get through.
5:31 This lineup's long. Where are we? US Customs or something? I don't know. It's GD early. We see the end of the line and Jeff gives me a Jeffy "How do I get this guy's job?" as he side thumb points to Larry, ruler of the great line.
Larry's gig is to look for green lights to blink on and direct people to them. He wears a full uniform.
5:37 We've made it to the front, the green light blinks and Jeff heads to ol' friendly booth number 10. I'm next and Larry directs me to the booth of bitter dreams, number 13. I walk up, relieved to have gotten through and flash the young officer, Derk, a friendly smile.
"Passport and boarding pass" he demands.
I happily pull out my travel document case and Derk snarls his command again.
I'm flustered and have already passed Derk everything I have in the time he had to bark at me the second time.
He picks through the 4 pieces of paper I give him and scolds me like a mongrel dog who just shat on his shoe and is too dumb to know why that was so wrong.
"We have signs that say have your passport and boarding pass ready"
What do you want me to do, DerK? I thought they were. They were in my hand. I didn't read the signs.
"I'm sorry" I respond. Derk interogates me
WHY ARE YOU GOING
"I'm going on vacation!"
WHERE
"New York!"
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
"I'm going on vacation!"
WHAT, SPECIFICALLY, ARE YOU DOING THERE?
Derk is being a douchey jerk, so I start listing all of the fun plans I have. He snaps a few more questions and then it's over as quickly as it began. He dismisses me and the light blinks green for his next victim.
5:45
Metal detector! This goes incredibly smoothly. I even wore my rings through it accidently and it didn't beep.
5:55 Jeff and I find our gate and head to get breakie. We settle for Harvey's Breakfast Sandwiches. The grease has stained through a bag and wrapper by the time I sit down with it. My god, it is wonderful. I am so hungry. Nom nom nom.
6:15 Jeff is gone venturing and I'm semi sleeping in my chair. I'm daydreaming about bombs and planes and all the things you're not allowed to say at the airport and I overhear 2 middle-aged, well dressed gentlemen across from me. This is what I hear.
"Are you the sexy terrorist, or is somebody else the sexy terrorist?"
"I'm the sexy terrorist."
I kinda hope that's what they said. Only if they were joking though, which they clearly would be. Neither was sexy.
7:00 We're on the plane!! Jeff and I talk about homosexual travel companions, friends and landing plans. I want to make Manhattans, I don't know what they are. But I know they have alcohol and I will need several after all of this silly flying.
7:10
"You will squish the baby. You will kill the baby." Marlene says in a strict voice, with undertones of disbelief. Marlene is
the head flight attendant and she means business. No buckling babies into your seatbelt, row 12.
She looks a little like a brunette Stiffler's mom. The other main attendant is also a brunette. Jeff names her Darlene.
I'm not even going to give Blondie a name. She's practically invisible. Maybe she's catering to "Business Class"
7:15 The plane takes off and I'm asleep. Planes have that effect on me. Also, being extremely tired.
8:20 I wake! Jeff's sleeping, I spy on his watch to check the time, strictly for flogging purposes. Yay! Marlene and Darlene are serving refreshments. I order a gingerale... the champagne of gingers. Canada Dry. Marlene is making me want to own a Stewardess outfit.
I finish my bevy and patiently sit with the garbage, wanting more of that sleep stuff. The woman in front of me is reading a BUST magazine. Jealous! I want it. I wish I could read hers.
8:35 Darlene takes my garbage, but I fumble slightly and she gets a little grabby. Hrmm. I'd pegged her as the quiet one.
8:45 BUST girl is reading an Amy Poehler article - jealous! I will snooze,..
?:?? I'm awake again. Darlene and I are having it out. Hey - she started it back there with the garbage grab.
I retaliate by asking her for a beverage when the cart isn't right beside me. Darlene strikes back subtley by bringing me a diet pepsi, rather than diet coke. I forgive her, because I need another favour - the time. I try to make eye contact to ask if I can turn on my phone to check it but Darlene knows I'm a pain in the ass and she's not taking the bait. I trap her in the hall on her next pass with a verbal inquisition.
Darlene denies my request. The world is timeless. I stare out the plane and daydream about boarding along the clouds like that
kid bear on tailspin... remember? Well, it was cool regardless.
10:00 Jeff's awake! He tells me the time. He AGREES with Darlene about the phone. Pshh.
4:45am Jeff and I arrive at the Calgary Airport, sleepy and excited. Let the line-ups begin!
5:15 After realizing I'd lied while answering multiple "Do you have any fruits or vegetables?" Very serious questionaires, I reluctantly throw away the fruit cup and package of spitz I had stored in my purse. I'm tired and will give you whatever you want as long as we can get through.
5:31 This lineup's long. Where are we? US Customs or something? I don't know. It's GD early. We see the end of the line and Jeff gives me a Jeffy "How do I get this guy's job?" as he side thumb points to Larry, ruler of the great line.
Larry's gig is to look for green lights to blink on and direct people to them. He wears a full uniform.
5:37 We've made it to the front, the green light blinks and Jeff heads to ol' friendly booth number 10. I'm next and Larry directs me to the booth of bitter dreams, number 13. I walk up, relieved to have gotten through and flash the young officer, Derk, a friendly smile.
"Passport and boarding pass" he demands.
I happily pull out my travel document case and Derk snarls his command again.
I'm flustered and have already passed Derk everything I have in the time he had to bark at me the second time.
He picks through the 4 pieces of paper I give him and scolds me like a mongrel dog who just shat on his shoe and is too dumb to know why that was so wrong.
"We have signs that say have your passport and boarding pass ready"
What do you want me to do, DerK? I thought they were. They were in my hand. I didn't read the signs.
"I'm sorry" I respond. Derk interogates me
WHY ARE YOU GOING
"I'm going on vacation!"
WHERE
"New York!"
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
"I'm going on vacation!"
WHAT, SPECIFICALLY, ARE YOU DOING THERE?
Derk is being a douchey jerk, so I start listing all of the fun plans I have. He snaps a few more questions and then it's over as quickly as it began. He dismisses me and the light blinks green for his next victim.
5:45
Metal detector! This goes incredibly smoothly. I even wore my rings through it accidently and it didn't beep.
5:55 Jeff and I find our gate and head to get breakie. We settle for Harvey's Breakfast Sandwiches. The grease has stained through a bag and wrapper by the time I sit down with it. My god, it is wonderful. I am so hungry. Nom nom nom.
6:15 Jeff is gone venturing and I'm semi sleeping in my chair. I'm daydreaming about bombs and planes and all the things you're not allowed to say at the airport and I overhear 2 middle-aged, well dressed gentlemen across from me. This is what I hear.
"Are you the sexy terrorist, or is somebody else the sexy terrorist?"
"I'm the sexy terrorist."
I kinda hope that's what they said. Only if they were joking though, which they clearly would be. Neither was sexy.
7:00 We're on the plane!! Jeff and I talk about homosexual travel companions, friends and landing plans. I want to make Manhattans, I don't know what they are. But I know they have alcohol and I will need several after all of this silly flying.
7:10
"You will squish the baby. You will kill the baby." Marlene says in a strict voice, with undertones of disbelief. Marlene is
the head flight attendant and she means business. No buckling babies into your seatbelt, row 12.
She looks a little like a brunette Stiffler's mom. The other main attendant is also a brunette. Jeff names her Darlene.
I'm not even going to give Blondie a name. She's practically invisible. Maybe she's catering to "Business Class"
7:15 The plane takes off and I'm asleep. Planes have that effect on me. Also, being extremely tired.
8:20 I wake! Jeff's sleeping, I spy on his watch to check the time, strictly for flogging purposes. Yay! Marlene and Darlene are serving refreshments. I order a gingerale... the champagne of gingers. Canada Dry. Marlene is making me want to own a Stewardess outfit.
I finish my bevy and patiently sit with the garbage, wanting more of that sleep stuff. The woman in front of me is reading a BUST magazine. Jealous! I want it. I wish I could read hers.
8:35 Darlene takes my garbage, but I fumble slightly and she gets a little grabby. Hrmm. I'd pegged her as the quiet one.
8:45 BUST girl is reading an Amy Poehler article - jealous! I will snooze,..
?:?? I'm awake again. Darlene and I are having it out. Hey - she started it back there with the garbage grab.
I retaliate by asking her for a beverage when the cart isn't right beside me. Darlene strikes back subtley by bringing me a diet pepsi, rather than diet coke. I forgive her, because I need another favour - the time. I try to make eye contact to ask if I can turn on my phone to check it but Darlene knows I'm a pain in the ass and she's not taking the bait. I trap her in the hall on her next pass with a verbal inquisition.
Darlene denies my request. The world is timeless. I stare out the plane and daydream about boarding along the clouds like that
kid bear on tailspin... remember? Well, it was cool regardless.
10:00 Jeff's awake! He tells me the time. He AGREES with Darlene about the phone. Pshh.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Pre Flight Insomnia Post
Lawd I'm tired. I've been up for many days it seems... but it's actually just a combination of many short nap sleeps and the lack of quality zzz time in the weeks leading up to tonight. I have reached the "silly sleepy excited not going to sleep" place. It is mellow and funny and sometimes likes to run and jump. And sleepy. Haha. I've been at this phase for awhile. Basically it rotates between excitement and extreme fatigue. Really cool. Kinda annoying. I really don't mind... it's just the inevitable crash that HAS to happen that makes me sad. Worse comes to worse, Friday morning is sleepinable. Yes, sleepinable's a word. Shut up. Sorry, apparently I'm irritable. Aghhh. Haha - And I CAN'T whine about it because Hubbard's had way less sleep and way more work than me and STILL HASN'T PACKED!! HAHAHA! Oh, man. Anyway... funny stuff. Good lord I'm retarded right now. And a little vulgar. In my word usage. Should stop blogging. P.S. I'm quite jacked to do my first FLOG too. I really enjoy the idea of blogging through the sky. It almost sparkles. Okay! Shower time! That will totally trick me into thinking it's time to wake up. At least I'll smell better. Yack!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Ask the Magic 8 Ball!
The 8 Ball is comin out.
Hey 8 Ball.
Q1: You ready to do this?
A1: It is certain.
Q2: Secret question I ask in my head?
A2: Cannot predict now
Comment: Yeah. That's life for ya. Hmmm.
Q3: Will Grant be able to magically fix my engine?
A3: It is decidedly so!
Comment: Wouldn't that be awesome??!? Oh Magic 8 Ball... don't get my hopes up so high.
UPDATE: I CALLED MY MECHANIC!!! They're replacing like 4 things in my engine and are working hard!! This is good! They are going to fix my engine!!! Ahhh!! If all goes well I should be getting a call at the end of the day. Wow. WOW. I love you Delburne Service Centre.
Hey 8 Ball.
Q1: You ready to do this?
A1: It is certain.
Q2: Secret question I ask in my head?
A2: Cannot predict now
Comment: Yeah. That's life for ya. Hmmm.
Q3: Will Grant be able to magically fix my engine?
A3: It is decidedly so!
Comment: Wouldn't that be awesome??!? Oh Magic 8 Ball... don't get my hopes up so high.
UPDATE: I CALLED MY MECHANIC!!! They're replacing like 4 things in my engine and are working hard!! This is good! They are going to fix my engine!!! Ahhh!! If all goes well I should be getting a call at the end of the day. Wow. WOW. I love you Delburne Service Centre.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Welcome to the Beer Olympics, The Year 2009.
Righ’ love, shall I tell you abou’ the Beer Olympics, then? I talked in an accent all night. I’m typing in one now. You probably can’t notice so I’ll stop.
I’ve been privileged to attend many glorious gong shows in my young life. The Beer Olympics was no exception. I feel like I drank a lot of beer, so the following is an approximation of what happened.
Saturday Night.
10ish pm
After powernapping, my date Asha and I journey the few blocks to her highschool chum, Blaine’s house. I’m greeted by Mike, a loud boisterous roommate, but am quickly distracted by mass spandex. The first (and only) spandex clad girl I notice is Heather. She’s the type of girl I instantly fall for, dawning a pink 80’s style bodysuit, sparkly spandex tights and a drawn on moustache. Her friend Jen is dressed normally, but if you’re friends with Heather, you’re obviously a good time. Oh? We need 4 to a team? Jen and Heather are recruited to join England (me and Asha). Done.
10:05
A swarm of yellow and black spandex clad Jamaican wrestlers pour out of the house, looking to compete. The case of beer in my hand is practically pulling me into the kitchen so we can start the party. I oblige, pull out beer and proceed downstairs to a basement converted to a full out pub for beer curling.
10:27
I shouldn’t blame the Jamaicans for not being able to curl. They just don’t have proper facilities at home. Team England took them in an embarrassing 50-0 loss. Unfortunately, winning at drinking games is a poor way to get drunk. The Spanish and the Mexicans are now waiting for a go. They all look magnificent. Asha and I leave the second half of our team to take on challengers and head outside to check out more of the action. I pass flamboyant Brazilians and green fatigued Cubans on my way to the campfire.
10:59
The 2 Steves at the campfire challenge us to Beer Pong. I cheat and pour extra beer into our cups. Asha and I forfeit the first game so we can drink the Steves' beer as well. Feeling good. Feeling obnoxious and English. Swearing too much. Rematch? Yes.
11:42
Asha’s younger brother Dex shows up with his posse (Team Ireland) as we finish our second game. Yes, we won. Yes, there is much rejoicing.
11:48 - ???
*Asha comes and goes, leaving me to babysit brother, friends and fire. I force booze, drugs and cigarettes upon them with flourish. Dex is being responsible, but is nursing a beer, so I let him slide. His friends John and Spencer seemed to be open to my bad influence – so I get them messed up. Asha brings us potato chips, there is much rejoicing.
*I meet a young fellow named Adam. Adam seems off put by the massive amount of spandex wearing men around him, I am off put by his attitude and write him off as a square. A short while later Adam is knocking apart the firepit and pouring Frisbees full of gasoline on it. Okay, maybe he’s not a square, but I’m still not impressed. He is making me sober up and act like a mom as I rebuild the fire pit. Asha shoots me a look and I decide to stop acting responsible and move elsewhere.
*I wonder away from the newly rebuilt and raging fire and speak briefly with members of team Spain. I say briefly, because they don’t actually speak English. “No habla espanol,” I say, followed by, “Me yamma Anne.” I then run into the house and am greeted by fresh pineapple chunks being sliced and served. I love them so much. I am one with the pineapple chunks. The flavours are making love to my taste buds.
1:?? – 4:?? The evening is topped off with a Team England reunion, more beer curling, beer darts, some sort of card game? Did that actually happen? Beerboarding (which is similar to shotski) and wishing we could adventure to Heritage Park but being trapped inside as it was pouring rain. I end up crashing on a recliner, drunk texting myself to sleep. Moved to upstairs in the morning to have one of the longest and greatest pees of my life and move to a proper couch.
Other random memories
*Gayfest with Jamaicans and Cubans professing their love for roommate Mike for long periods of time.
*Asha wrestling
*No one knowing what a Bonspiel was. (And calling themselves fans of curling!!)
*Getting a sharpee tattoo which said “Do You Know Y?” (very profound)
*People being shocked when I talked in a non-English accent
*Drinking beer from a chip bowl
*Using flattery to get free PC Dry beer after ours ran out. "Ooh - is that PC beer? Is it good?"
*Texting myself "There are 2 types of men in this world, those who'll wear spandex jumpsuits..."
* Not losing a single event, other than our original Beer Pong forfeit.
I’ve been privileged to attend many glorious gong shows in my young life. The Beer Olympics was no exception. I feel like I drank a lot of beer, so the following is an approximation of what happened.
Saturday Night.
10ish pm
After powernapping, my date Asha and I journey the few blocks to her highschool chum, Blaine’s house. I’m greeted by Mike, a loud boisterous roommate, but am quickly distracted by mass spandex. The first (and only) spandex clad girl I notice is Heather. She’s the type of girl I instantly fall for, dawning a pink 80’s style bodysuit, sparkly spandex tights and a drawn on moustache. Her friend Jen is dressed normally, but if you’re friends with Heather, you’re obviously a good time. Oh? We need 4 to a team? Jen and Heather are recruited to join England (me and Asha). Done.
10:05
A swarm of yellow and black spandex clad Jamaican wrestlers pour out of the house, looking to compete. The case of beer in my hand is practically pulling me into the kitchen so we can start the party. I oblige, pull out beer and proceed downstairs to a basement converted to a full out pub for beer curling.
10:27
I shouldn’t blame the Jamaicans for not being able to curl. They just don’t have proper facilities at home. Team England took them in an embarrassing 50-0 loss. Unfortunately, winning at drinking games is a poor way to get drunk. The Spanish and the Mexicans are now waiting for a go. They all look magnificent. Asha and I leave the second half of our team to take on challengers and head outside to check out more of the action. I pass flamboyant Brazilians and green fatigued Cubans on my way to the campfire.
10:59
The 2 Steves at the campfire challenge us to Beer Pong. I cheat and pour extra beer into our cups. Asha and I forfeit the first game so we can drink the Steves' beer as well. Feeling good. Feeling obnoxious and English. Swearing too much. Rematch? Yes.
11:42
Asha’s younger brother Dex shows up with his posse (Team Ireland) as we finish our second game. Yes, we won. Yes, there is much rejoicing.
11:48 - ???
*Asha comes and goes, leaving me to babysit brother, friends and fire. I force booze, drugs and cigarettes upon them with flourish. Dex is being responsible, but is nursing a beer, so I let him slide. His friends John and Spencer seemed to be open to my bad influence – so I get them messed up. Asha brings us potato chips, there is much rejoicing.
*I meet a young fellow named Adam. Adam seems off put by the massive amount of spandex wearing men around him, I am off put by his attitude and write him off as a square. A short while later Adam is knocking apart the firepit and pouring Frisbees full of gasoline on it. Okay, maybe he’s not a square, but I’m still not impressed. He is making me sober up and act like a mom as I rebuild the fire pit. Asha shoots me a look and I decide to stop acting responsible and move elsewhere.
*I wonder away from the newly rebuilt and raging fire and speak briefly with members of team Spain. I say briefly, because they don’t actually speak English. “No habla espanol,” I say, followed by, “Me yamma Anne.” I then run into the house and am greeted by fresh pineapple chunks being sliced and served. I love them so much. I am one with the pineapple chunks. The flavours are making love to my taste buds.
1:?? – 4:?? The evening is topped off with a Team England reunion, more beer curling, beer darts, some sort of card game? Did that actually happen? Beerboarding (which is similar to shotski) and wishing we could adventure to Heritage Park but being trapped inside as it was pouring rain. I end up crashing on a recliner, drunk texting myself to sleep. Moved to upstairs in the morning to have one of the longest and greatest pees of my life and move to a proper couch.
Other random memories
*Gayfest with Jamaicans and Cubans professing their love for roommate Mike for long periods of time.
*Asha wrestling
*No one knowing what a Bonspiel was. (And calling themselves fans of curling!!)
*Getting a sharpee tattoo which said “Do You Know Y?” (very profound)
*People being shocked when I talked in a non-English accent
*Drinking beer from a chip bowl
*Using flattery to get free PC Dry beer after ours ran out. "Ooh - is that PC beer? Is it good?"
*Texting myself "There are 2 types of men in this world, those who'll wear spandex jumpsuits..."
* Not losing a single event, other than our original Beer Pong forfeit.
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