FLOG!!

Flogging!!

4:45am Jeff and I arrive at the Calgary Airport, sleepy and excited. Let the line-ups begin!
5:15 After realizing I'd lied while answering multiple "Do you have any fruits or vegetables?" Very serious questionaires, I reluctantly throw away the fruit cup and package of spitz I had stored in my purse. I'm tired and will give you whatever you want as long as we can get through.
5:31 This lineup's long. Where are we? US Customs or something? I don't know. It's GD early. We see the end of the line and Jeff gives me a Jeffy "How do I get this guy's job?" as he side thumb points to Larry, ruler of the great line.
Larry's gig is to look for green lights to blink on and direct people to them. He wears a full uniform.

5:37 We've made it to the front, the green light blinks and Jeff heads to ol' friendly booth number 10. I'm next and Larry directs me to the booth of bitter dreams, number 13. I walk up, relieved to have gotten through and flash the young officer, Derk, a friendly smile.
"Passport and boarding pass" he demands.
I happily pull out my travel document case and Derk snarls his command again.
I'm flustered and have already passed Derk everything I have in the time he had to bark at me the second time.
He picks through the 4 pieces of paper I give him and scolds me like a mongrel dog who just shat on his shoe and is too dumb to know why that was so wrong.
"We have signs that say have your passport and boarding pass ready"
What do you want me to do, DerK? I thought they were. They were in my hand. I didn't read the signs.
"I'm sorry" I respond. Derk interogates me
WHY ARE YOU GOING
"I'm going on vacation!"
WHERE
"New York!"
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?
"I'm going on vacation!"
WHAT, SPECIFICALLY, ARE YOU DOING THERE?
Derk is being a douchey jerk, so I start listing all of the fun plans I have. He snaps a few more questions and then it's over as quickly as it began. He dismisses me and the light blinks green for his next victim.
5:45
Metal detector! This goes incredibly smoothly. I even wore my rings through it accidently and it didn't beep.
5:55 Jeff and I find our gate and head to get breakie. We settle for Harvey's Breakfast Sandwiches. The grease has stained through a bag and wrapper by the time I sit down with it. My god, it is wonderful. I am so hungry. Nom nom nom.
6:15 Jeff is gone venturing and I'm semi sleeping in my chair. I'm daydreaming about bombs and planes and all the things you're not allowed to say at the airport and I overhear 2 middle-aged, well dressed gentlemen across from me. This is what I hear.
"Are you the sexy terrorist, or is somebody else the sexy terrorist?"
"I'm the sexy terrorist."
I kinda hope that's what they said. Only if they were joking though, which they clearly would be. Neither was sexy.
7:00 We're on the plane!! Jeff and I talk about homosexual travel companions, friends and landing plans. I want to make Manhattans, I don't know what they are. But I know they have alcohol and I will need several after all of this silly flying.
7:10
"You will squish the baby. You will kill the baby." Marlene says in a strict voice, with undertones of disbelief. Marlene is
the head flight attendant and she means business. No buckling babies into your seatbelt, row 12.
She looks a little like a brunette Stiffler's mom. The other main attendant is also a brunette. Jeff names her Darlene.
I'm not even going to give Blondie a name. She's practically invisible. Maybe she's catering to "Business Class"
7:15 The plane takes off and I'm asleep. Planes have that effect on me. Also, being extremely tired.
8:20 I wake! Jeff's sleeping, I spy on his watch to check the time, strictly for flogging purposes. Yay! Marlene and Darlene are serving refreshments. I order a gingerale... the champagne of gingers. Canada Dry. Marlene is making me want to own a Stewardess outfit.
I finish my bevy and patiently sit with the garbage, wanting more of that sleep stuff. The woman in front of me is reading a BUST magazine. Jealous! I want it. I wish I could read hers.
8:35 Darlene takes my garbage, but I fumble slightly and she gets a little grabby. Hrmm. I'd pegged her as the quiet one.
8:45 BUST girl is reading an Amy Poehler article - jealous! I will snooze,..
?:?? I'm awake again. Darlene and I are having it out. Hey - she started it back there with the garbage grab.
I retaliate by asking her for a beverage when the cart isn't right beside me. Darlene strikes back subtley by bringing me a diet pepsi, rather than diet coke. I forgive her, because I need another favour - the time. I try to make eye contact to ask if I can turn on my phone to check it but Darlene knows I'm a pain in the ass and she's not taking the bait. I trap her in the hall on her next pass with a verbal inquisition.
Darlene denies my request. The world is timeless. I stare out the plane and daydream about boarding along the clouds like that
kid bear on tailspin... remember? Well, it was cool regardless.
10:00 Jeff's awake! He tells me the time. He AGREES with Darlene about the phone. Pshh.