Let's Talk about Text

Texting... a year ago, I was just dipping my feet in the text water. I didn't even have a text plan on my phone. Today, I feel like I'm a veteran. I'd like to make 10 texting observations:

1) Texting while driving is wrong. But fun. Last time I texted while driving I was going 80 in a highway construction zone, with rain pelting down on my car. This makes me an asshole. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop.

2) Textsfromlastnight.com is one of the funniest websites I've ever come across. I steal lines from it all the time. Does this make me feel less original? Yes. But also clever. TFLN has also inspired me to up my funny texting game. Funniest text of last week? Sent to a hockey fan chum (some of my readers might be familiar with him) that read "Do you ever wonder if you'd've grown a thicker, more luxurious playoff beard, hawks would be playing tonight?"

3) People love texts. It lets them know you're thinking of them. The only person I know who doesn't enjoy a good texting is my friend Dylan. He doesn't even have facebook, so what does he know? I sent him a text ONCE, just to be a darsh, and I got a phone message and talk from his girlfriend on how I am never to text him and to just text her if I need to. Other exceptions to this rule can (but not necessarily) include drunk texting and sexting. And drunk sexting. But if anyone wants to drunk sext me, I'm cool with it.  I was at a party once when Dylan's girlfriend text me to come over and drink wine and play with her pussy (they bought a kitten) Anyway, I didn't answer my phone and was thoroughly harassed when my hilarious friends did. Amendment- I actually did enjoy the rogering. I'm an attention fiend.

4) Drunk texting. Do NOT drunk text someone who isn't a close friend. ONLY drunk text people who "get" you (ie. are binge drinkers). DO NOT drunk text someone who isn't a close friend repeatedly... you don't want to have to try to clean that up.

5) Sexting... is delicious! I don't have a regular sext partner, but I'm accepting applications and I whole heartedly appreciate sexy texts and the couple I've gotten in the past have been vunderbar! Part haha, part ooh la la. A little dangerous to initiate sexting, so try to make it extra silly if you're sexting someone you've never sexed. Like "What are you wearing?" "I'm in a spandex onesy" Something like that.

6) I h8 ppl who r lik c u l8r!! lolers! *Shudder* I can't handle it. Use your words. Cute Lolcatish misspellings are acceptable in the right context, but, as a general rule, take the time to sound like a human being who passed grade 5.

7) Another text peeve of mine is when people ask you something via text that there's no way in hell you have enough time/energy to write back to. The ol "What are you up to this weekend?" This is phone call material, people. Differentiate.

8) Texting overseas is free??!? My friend Melissa is in London right now and texting is included in her phone plan! So I text her often to remind her of Canada. I really hope texting is also free when I hit NYC this summer.

9) I HATE ads that want me to text for ringtones, to vote, to find my love match, to win a PS3, etc. These are scams, preying on idiots and preteens (same thing?) Only 1.25 per message, to end text STOP to #3856. The only thing I've texted for that was supposed to cost $ was the Planet Unicorn ringtone. I never got it. heeeeey.

10) Texting is a blessing and a curse. I've been the douche who's texting back and forth while hanging out with someone else. I can't help it! I feel like this is becoming a socially acceptable thing now. I've texted people right beside me. I feel a tingle of desire when I see the slide out phones with keyboards. And part of me hates myself for it. Also, when people text me, it sounds like a fairy is landing nearby.


So what does texting hold for the future? I don't know. I'm no genius. I can't believe I already wrote so much about texting. I'm stopping now.