I'm pretty sure I bruised the bottom of my foot. The rest of me seems fine, but I can't walk. I'm a hobbler. Woe.
I'm wearing shoes for the first time in a long time today. Shoes and socks. Big furry red socks. My feet are hot. My foot is sore. The good news is, I injured myself doing something cool (climbing mountains in flip flops). Much better than when I injure myself watching TV.
I'd like to pre-emptively thank my legions of fans and readers for the outpouring of well wishes, cards and flowers.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Take that, America!
I hate... HAAATTEE1!11!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay... dislike, when you go to websites and they're total jerks and are like "OMG! We totally can't play that clip in your area!" and I'm like "Fuck you! Not again!!!!" but then I figure out how to download torrents and post the videos on my blog and am like "Whatever NBC, Hulu, Comedy Whatever and you other guys! I'ma post videos on mah blog and youz cants doos nuttings abatt id.
(Note: Grammar/Spelling may or may not have been disguised to render this blog grounds for case dismissal due to some reason I'll make up later.)
(Note: Grammar/Spelling may or may not have been disguised to render this blog grounds for case dismissal due to some reason I'll make up later.)
New Settings, Health Update
Hello my pets,
I changed my settings so you can comment anonymously on my posts. This may help alleviate issues some readers have been experiencing. Also, my right ankle and my right hand hurt. That is all.
I changed my settings so you can comment anonymously on my posts. This may help alleviate issues some readers have been experiencing. Also, my right ankle and my right hand hurt. That is all.
Dogs Don't Have A Safe Word... A Guide To Dicking Around At Work
After chillin with some cool cats last night, I realized that I'm truly blessed in many ways to waste so much time on the internet. Here are a few of my favorite internet hangouts for your browsing enjoyment.
1) Friend blogs
Karyn Germain's!!! (My inspiration)
http://www.thekaryngermainnewsletter.blogspot.com/
Asha's!!!
http://askasha-blargh.blogspot.com/
Wild Card's!!!
http://bizzleandme.blogspot.com/
2) Best Cat Humor
I Can Has Cheezburger - lolcats. Lol them. There's also tabs at the top of the page to take you to loldogs (i has a hotdog) , lol celebs, look alikes, graph jam, fail blog...
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Keyboard Cat
http://playhimoffkeyboardcat.com/
3) Youtube
Search thelonelyisland, planet unicorn, charlie the unicorn, kittens inspired by kittens, cats inspired by kittens inspired by kittens or Chelsea Handler for a good time. I also really enjoy watching music videos of songs stuck in mah head. There are lots of great comedy video websites out there too I usually stumble upon looking for lonely island vids. http://funnyordie.com/ ... better than Youtube to find random funny vids. I think. And this is my blog, so what I think is kinda the law around here.
4) Celebrity Gossip!!
Tee hehe
I only ever really read http://www.wwtdd.com/ - he has his moments. http://www.dlisted.com/ has magic on it sometimes. I'm not a regular by any means... but... I have found some treasure on that site... this one too http://www.bsideblog.com/. If you're really into celeb gossip, perez hilton and tmz are usually on top of things, but you knew that.
5) Random!!
Newest gadgets, nerd stuff
http://www.geekologie.com/
Daily dose of reality internet
http://textsfromlastnight.com/
http://fmylife.com/
http://mylifeisaverage.com/
http://iwhackedto.com/
http://passiveaggressivenotes.com/
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
Ricky Gervais's blog
http://www.rickygervais.com/thissideofthetruth.php
Random Funny
http://yourtattoosucks.com/
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/
Comics
http://pbfcomics.com/
http://smbc-comics.com/
Art!
http://www.jacksonpollock.org/
http://artisticthings.com/
Save the World!
http://freerice.com/
Sooo... those are some sites I like to look at when I'm not being busy and important.
Kisses!
P.S. A huge thank you to my friends who introduced me to these little gems. Sharing = Caring.
1) Friend blogs
Karyn Germain's!!! (My inspiration)
http://www.thekaryngermainnewsletter.blogspot.com/
Asha's!!!
http://askasha-blargh.blogspot.com/
Wild Card's!!!
http://bizzleandme.blogspot.com/
2) Best Cat Humor
I Can Has Cheezburger - lolcats. Lol them. There's also tabs at the top of the page to take you to loldogs (i has a hotdog) , lol celebs, look alikes, graph jam, fail blog...
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
Keyboard Cat
http://playhimoffkeyboardcat.com/
3) Youtube
Search thelonelyisland, planet unicorn, charlie the unicorn, kittens inspired by kittens, cats inspired by kittens inspired by kittens or Chelsea Handler for a good time. I also really enjoy watching music videos of songs stuck in mah head. There are lots of great comedy video websites out there too I usually stumble upon looking for lonely island vids. http://funnyordie.com/ ... better than Youtube to find random funny vids. I think. And this is my blog, so what I think is kinda the law around here.
4) Celebrity Gossip!!
Tee hehe
I only ever really read http://www.wwtdd.com/ - he has his moments. http://www.dlisted.com/ has magic on it sometimes. I'm not a regular by any means... but... I have found some treasure on that site... this one too http://www.bsideblog.com/. If you're really into celeb gossip, perez hilton and tmz are usually on top of things, but you knew that.
5) Random!!
Newest gadgets, nerd stuff
http://www.geekologie.com/
Daily dose of reality internet
http://textsfromlastnight.com/
http://fmylife.com/
http://mylifeisaverage.com/
http://iwhackedto.com/
http://passiveaggressivenotes.com/
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
Ricky Gervais's blog
http://www.rickygervais.com/thissideofthetruth.php
Random Funny
http://yourtattoosucks.com/
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/
Comics
http://pbfcomics.com/
http://smbc-comics.com/
Art!
http://www.jacksonpollock.org/
http://artisticthings.com/
Save the World!
http://freerice.com/
Sooo... those are some sites I like to look at when I'm not being busy and important.
Kisses!
P.S. A huge thank you to my friends who introduced me to these little gems. Sharing = Caring.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Ask the Magic 8 Ball!
Dear Magic 8 Ball...
Q 1: What's your opinion on the whole Iran sitch?
A 1: Cannot predict now.
Comment: I know buddy, it's scary over there.
Q 2: Will I enjoy University life?
A 2: Signs point to yes.
Comment: Excellent!
Q 3: Should I shave my head for cancer?
A 3: Concentrate and ask again.
BONUS
Q 4: SHOULD I SHAVE MY HEAD FOR CANCER?
A 4: My reply is no.
Comment: Wicked. I'll just give a few bucks to my buddy who is. Thanks Magic 8 Ball!
Do you have a question you'd like to ask the Magic 8 Ball? Send it to me and I'll shake an answer out of him.
Cheers and have a wonderful day!!
BONUS BONUS BONUS CELEBRITY QUESTIONS
Q 5: Will Ed MacMahon go to heaven?
A 5: Most likely
Q 6: Will Farrah Fawcet go to heaven?
A 6: Outlook good.
Q 7: Will Michael Jackson go to Heaven?
A 7: My reply is no!
Q 8: Do you believe in heaven?
A 8: Yes
Comment: Well, there you have it.
Q 1: What's your opinion on the whole Iran sitch?
A 1: Cannot predict now.
Comment: I know buddy, it's scary over there.
Q 2: Will I enjoy University life?
A 2: Signs point to yes.
Comment: Excellent!
Q 3: Should I shave my head for cancer?
A 3: Concentrate and ask again.
BONUS
Q 4: SHOULD I SHAVE MY HEAD FOR CANCER?
A 4: My reply is no.
Comment: Wicked. I'll just give a few bucks to my buddy who is. Thanks Magic 8 Ball!
Do you have a question you'd like to ask the Magic 8 Ball? Send it to me and I'll shake an answer out of him.
Cheers and have a wonderful day!!
BONUS BONUS BONUS CELEBRITY QUESTIONS
Q 5: Will Ed MacMahon go to heaven?
A 5: Most likely
Q 6: Will Farrah Fawcet go to heaven?
A 6: Outlook good.
Q 7: Will Michael Jackson go to Heaven?
A 7: My reply is no!
Q 8: Do you believe in heaven?
A 8: Yes
Comment: Well, there you have it.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Short Story... well, I tried to keep it short.
“We are in Hawaii!”
Professor Whiskers sighed as she scratched across the postcard in a jealous rage. Life was so exciting for her nieces and nephews. She was just a cat, leading an uneventful life as a professor of Mythology at the local University. “We are in Hawaii!” she huffed in a mocking voice as she scooted into her home. “We are eating pepper and chips!”
Assholes.
The past week had been hell. If it wasn’t the brats at school, it was the urging, burning discomfort between her legs. She knew it wasn’t due to her being dirty, or having poor hygiene. She’d read the brochures. It was just an itch. A feminine itch. Professor Whiskers snarled. The itch did not make her feel feminine. She batted a ball across the floor and decided hunting might be the best way to release her anger.
She left the crossbow in the closet. Small game was better for tonight. The professor glanced down at her claws, home grown death machines. The bloodlust distracted her from her nagging femininity. She trotted out the cat door and into the woods behind her home.
Whiskers didn’t know what it was about the woods on Wednesdays, but everything seemed to come a little more alive. She scanned the forest floor and saw a mouse skitter. This was it. Time to…
Wait…
Did she just see?
It was the most elegant creature she’d ever laid eyes on. How could this be real? She’s studied unicorns her whole life, but… how could it be real?
The unicorn gently stepped on the mouse she’d been eyeing, picked it up with her teeth and dropped it at Professor Whisker’s feet.
“I’m Starlight” she cooed.
“Humina humina… Professor Whiskers”
Starlight laughed, a sound that mimicked a hit Beach Boys song you’ve never heard.
“Well… Professor Whiskers, I can sense with my magical unicorn ability that you have been experiencing a little problem.”
Whiskers blushed. So did Starlight.
“As a unicorn and a lady, I’d like to help.”
“Help with my… uhh..”
“Help with your feminine itch.”
Professor Whiskers had never been so embarrassed in her life. It felt as if her itch was burning hotter than ever before. Yearning for relief.
“It’s okay,” Starlight smiled gently. “Turn around, I’ll be gentle”
Whiskers obeyed and soon felt the cool, healing tip of a horn between her legs. She shivered with excitement.
“Too cold?” Starlight asked coyly.
Professor Whiskers bit her lip. Nothing had ever felt this good in her life. The horn was so healing, "down there", in her vulvovaginal area. Starlight was so amazing, so perfect, everything she could ask for times infinity. In her daze she wished they could have a child.
“No!” Starlight shouted abruptly.
“What?” Whiskers jumped around, the magical moment broken.
“You can’t make wishes when a Unicorn is touching you there! They come true!!”
“You can read my thoughts!?!?”
“I thought you knew!”
“I’m going to have a unicorn baby?!?”
“A unicat baby, Professor Whiskers. WE are going to have a unicat baby.”
“But I’m not gay!”
“Really?” Starlight smiled.
“Okay, a little bit gay. You?”
“I’m totally gay. For cats.”
Starlight was saying all the right things. Professor Whiskers put a paw against her hoof and knew, this Wednesday, her life changed forever.
***
A short gestational time later, Starlight and Whiskers had a baaaaaby unicat they named Scout.
The family was scorned by the community and eventually driven out of town. Scout commited suicide at age 22.
When will we live in a more tolerant society? WHEN??!?
The End.
Happy Gay Pride Month!
Happy Wednesday!
Professor Whiskers sighed as she scratched across the postcard in a jealous rage. Life was so exciting for her nieces and nephews. She was just a cat, leading an uneventful life as a professor of Mythology at the local University. “We are in Hawaii!” she huffed in a mocking voice as she scooted into her home. “We are eating pepper and chips!”
Assholes.
The past week had been hell. If it wasn’t the brats at school, it was the urging, burning discomfort between her legs. She knew it wasn’t due to her being dirty, or having poor hygiene. She’d read the brochures. It was just an itch. A feminine itch. Professor Whiskers snarled. The itch did not make her feel feminine. She batted a ball across the floor and decided hunting might be the best way to release her anger.
She left the crossbow in the closet. Small game was better for tonight. The professor glanced down at her claws, home grown death machines. The bloodlust distracted her from her nagging femininity. She trotted out the cat door and into the woods behind her home.
Whiskers didn’t know what it was about the woods on Wednesdays, but everything seemed to come a little more alive. She scanned the forest floor and saw a mouse skitter. This was it. Time to…
Wait…
Did she just see?
It was the most elegant creature she’d ever laid eyes on. How could this be real? She’s studied unicorns her whole life, but… how could it be real?
The unicorn gently stepped on the mouse she’d been eyeing, picked it up with her teeth and dropped it at Professor Whisker’s feet.
“I’m Starlight” she cooed.
“Humina humina… Professor Whiskers”
Starlight laughed, a sound that mimicked a hit Beach Boys song you’ve never heard.
“Well… Professor Whiskers, I can sense with my magical unicorn ability that you have been experiencing a little problem.”
Whiskers blushed. So did Starlight.
“As a unicorn and a lady, I’d like to help.”
“Help with my… uhh..”
“Help with your feminine itch.”
Professor Whiskers had never been so embarrassed in her life. It felt as if her itch was burning hotter than ever before. Yearning for relief.
“It’s okay,” Starlight smiled gently. “Turn around, I’ll be gentle”
Whiskers obeyed and soon felt the cool, healing tip of a horn between her legs. She shivered with excitement.
“Too cold?” Starlight asked coyly.
Professor Whiskers bit her lip. Nothing had ever felt this good in her life. The horn was so healing, "down there", in her vulvovaginal area. Starlight was so amazing, so perfect, everything she could ask for times infinity. In her daze she wished they could have a child.
“No!” Starlight shouted abruptly.
“What?” Whiskers jumped around, the magical moment broken.
“You can’t make wishes when a Unicorn is touching you there! They come true!!”
“You can read my thoughts!?!?”
“I thought you knew!”
“I’m going to have a unicorn baby?!?”
“A unicat baby, Professor Whiskers. WE are going to have a unicat baby.”
“But I’m not gay!”
“Really?” Starlight smiled.
“Okay, a little bit gay. You?”
“I’m totally gay. For cats.”
Starlight was saying all the right things. Professor Whiskers put a paw against her hoof and knew, this Wednesday, her life changed forever.
***
A short gestational time later, Starlight and Whiskers had a baaaaaby unicat they named Scout.
The family was scorned by the community and eventually driven out of town. Scout commited suicide at age 22.
When will we live in a more tolerant society? WHEN??!?
The End.
Happy Gay Pride Month!
Happy Wednesday!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Investigatory Journalism: Sunscreen vs. Sunblock
From deep in the trenches of Red Deer's sunny underbelly comes this special report.
Sunscreen vs. Sunblock - what's the difference, where am I, who are you talking to, how do I get you to shut up, why are you looking at me like that and when can I take you out to dinner?
The difference?
Sunscreen and Sunblock... basically do the same thing.
Sunblock is better at blocking UVA and UVB rays, but is messier, doesn't blend into the skin as well, can stain clothing, gossips to your friends and is less popular.
Sunscreen is the hip and cool way to prevent UVB damage and look classy. The newer models are better at blocking UVA than their predecesors.
SPF
If you're out in the sun 20 minutes a day, you should be wearing 15. Should. In theory. I mean, you really should be. Do you? I always "forget." And if you're a dastardly ginger like me, or a pale skinned freak, you should go higher. Should. The numbers refer to the sunscreen/block's ability to protect your fragile and precious body. SPF 15 means you can stay in the sun 15x longer than with no sunscreen before burning. Increase the SPF - increase your safe fun playtime - and your protection from those harmful, bastard rays in general.
Waterproof? Water Resistant?
Who cares? I do. Let's talk about it. Waterproof means your SPF protection is the same after 80 minutes of water exposure - impressive! Water Resistant has to maintain it's SPF after 40 minutes of water exposure. Think that's not that great? You try. You see if you can do better. You can't. Sit down.
Tattoos
Never put sunscreen/sunblock on a tattoo that hasn't healed yet. It will damage your tattoo. Just keep your tattoo out of the sun. Easier said than done... but the internet wouldn't lie - would it?
Freckles
Are awesome! How am I supposed to get them if I'm being safe in the sun? Huh?
This concludes my special investigatory report. A thank you to my readers for the request.
Sunscreen vs. Sunblock - what's the difference, where am I, who are you talking to, how do I get you to shut up, why are you looking at me like that and when can I take you out to dinner?
The difference?
Sunscreen and Sunblock... basically do the same thing.
Sunblock is better at blocking UVA and UVB rays, but is messier, doesn't blend into the skin as well, can stain clothing, gossips to your friends and is less popular.
Sunscreen is the hip and cool way to prevent UVB damage and look classy. The newer models are better at blocking UVA than their predecesors.
SPF
If you're out in the sun 20 minutes a day, you should be wearing 15. Should. In theory. I mean, you really should be. Do you? I always "forget." And if you're a dastardly ginger like me, or a pale skinned freak, you should go higher. Should. The numbers refer to the sunscreen/block's ability to protect your fragile and precious body. SPF 15 means you can stay in the sun 15x longer than with no sunscreen before burning. Increase the SPF - increase your safe fun playtime - and your protection from those harmful, bastard rays in general.
Waterproof? Water Resistant?
Who cares? I do. Let's talk about it. Waterproof means your SPF protection is the same after 80 minutes of water exposure - impressive! Water Resistant has to maintain it's SPF after 40 minutes of water exposure. Think that's not that great? You try. You see if you can do better. You can't. Sit down.
Tattoos
Never put sunscreen/sunblock on a tattoo that hasn't healed yet. It will damage your tattoo. Just keep your tattoo out of the sun. Easier said than done... but the internet wouldn't lie - would it?
Freckles
Are awesome! How am I supposed to get them if I'm being safe in the sun? Huh?
This concludes my special investigatory report. A thank you to my readers for the request.
Call for Blopics!
Have an issue that needs to be tackled? An itch that needs to be scratched? A pet that needs to be pet?
This is your chance to be acknowledged!
My Problems With Taking Life Seriously is calling for blog-topic (blopic) submissions!!!
It's just one more way to show you I care.
And I DO care readers. Just not enough to come up with ideas.
This is your chance to be acknowledged!
My Problems With Taking Life Seriously is calling for blog-topic (blopic) submissions!!!
It's just one more way to show you I care.
And I DO care readers. Just not enough to come up with ideas.
Monday, June 22, 2009
At the bottom of the shallow end of the pool
Is still wet. But if you hold your breath, you'll be okay. Just come up when you need air. DON'T GO TO THE DEEP END. Monsters!
Oh, hello there. I'm in a really strange mood this afternoon. I have a lot of energy radiating off my bones and through my skin. I'm a horse before a storm. Mane flapping in the wind. A quick fart and kick in the air and in one hour I'll be taking off at a full gallop home. Tonight I foresee music music music cleaning sorting packing. Right now I'd be happy to spin around in circles till I fall down. I guess I'll just sit at my desk though.
Oh, hello there. I'm in a really strange mood this afternoon. I have a lot of energy radiating off my bones and through my skin. I'm a horse before a storm. Mane flapping in the wind. A quick fart and kick in the air and in one hour I'll be taking off at a full gallop home. Tonight I foresee music music music cleaning sorting packing. Right now I'd be happy to spin around in circles till I fall down. I guess I'll just sit at my desk though.
Urine Trouble!
Don't poo-poo the topic of pee-pee. I had a riveting exchange with a friend this weekend about it and I'd like to reshare it in the form of 3 thoughts about peeing.
1) Lots of people pee in the shower. Why? The toilet is RIGHT THERE. Does it make you feel ALIVE? DOES IT? Well, it smells. When I was a maid (for a long couple of months in my life) I would notice the distinct odor of urine as I cleaned bathtubs and showers. (Also, toilets.) (Being a maid was kinda lame.) My buddy seems to be polling a lot of people on the subject and I'm happy to report the people I'm travelling with to NYC are not shower pee-ers. Yay!! On the same stream though - if you did pee in the shower, would you tell anyone, or keep it your dirty little pee-secret? I bet it'd feel naughtier that way. Oh, the shower smells like pee? Weird.
2) Speaking of vacation pee... I had a disturbing thought recently involving a pool full of frat-guys and swim-up bars at all inclusive type resorts. I'm thinking these pools could actually be up to 50% urine. Sorry, I probably ruined that for a lot of people. I'm sure the filtration systems are wonderful.
3) The best pee in the pool story I ever heard was in my YM (Young and Modern) (and oh- how I was) (sarcasm) when I was young. I read this story of a girl at the pool with her friends and some guys came up and were talking with them. They were in the water, the guys were out. She started flirting pretty hardcore with one dude, but she really had to go pee. So the guy leans in to kiss her, and she lets it go in the pool. Little did she know, the pool had this special chemical that reacted with pee, so her friends and all the guys saw this big ol' cloud of purple urine come out as she was kissing. Horrifying. Hilarious.
1) Lots of people pee in the shower. Why? The toilet is RIGHT THERE. Does it make you feel ALIVE? DOES IT? Well, it smells. When I was a maid (for a long couple of months in my life) I would notice the distinct odor of urine as I cleaned bathtubs and showers. (Also, toilets.) (Being a maid was kinda lame.) My buddy seems to be polling a lot of people on the subject and I'm happy to report the people I'm travelling with to NYC are not shower pee-ers. Yay!! On the same stream though - if you did pee in the shower, would you tell anyone, or keep it your dirty little pee-secret? I bet it'd feel naughtier that way. Oh, the shower smells like pee? Weird.
2) Speaking of vacation pee... I had a disturbing thought recently involving a pool full of frat-guys and swim-up bars at all inclusive type resorts. I'm thinking these pools could actually be up to 50% urine. Sorry, I probably ruined that for a lot of people. I'm sure the filtration systems are wonderful.
3) The best pee in the pool story I ever heard was in my YM (Young and Modern) (and oh- how I was) (sarcasm) when I was young. I read this story of a girl at the pool with her friends and some guys came up and were talking with them. They were in the water, the guys were out. She started flirting pretty hardcore with one dude, but she really had to go pee. So the guy leans in to kiss her, and she lets it go in the pool. Little did she know, the pool had this special chemical that reacted with pee, so her friends and all the guys saw this big ol' cloud of purple urine come out as she was kissing. Horrifying. Hilarious.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Ask the Magic 8 Ball!
My only loyal follower (who feels very alone right now and has stopped commenting on my posts because she's the only one who's following) suggested I do an Ask the Magic 8 Ball! Weekly. So I'm going to. I'm also going to request that if you're reading this and you have a heart, you will join her as a blog follower. It's simple. I promise.
Okay, here we go:
Dear Magic 8 Ball
Q 1: Will the Jays go FTW this year??
A 1: Yes! Definately!
Comment: Sweeeeeeeet!!!
Q 2: I'm thirsty. What should I do?
A 2: Without a doubt.
Comment: Obviously this was too dumb of a question for my 8 ball to answer fully. Without a doubt... drink something bitch! Is what I'm sure it would spell out if it had the ability. Fine. I will drink something. You didn't have to call me a bitch. Yeesh.
Q 3: Want to make out?
A 3: Signs point to Yes
Comment: Well too bad Magic 8 Ball! You can't just call me a bitch and then expect me to make out with you! Plus you're a plastic fortune telling ball, I'm a psychotic redhead. It would never work out. Thanks for admitting you would totally make out with me though. Always nice to have an ego boost. I'll give you a little kiss, so you don't feel so bad. Mwah. There. (Gross)(I feel like a slut now)(but not in a satisfied way) (In I just pressed my lips against a dirty ball sort of way)
Okay kids! That's this week's Ask The Magic 8 Ball!!!! Hope you enjoyed. I'm going to go wash my lips and find a cool, refreshing beverage.
Okay, here we go:
Dear Magic 8 Ball
Q 1: Will the Jays go FTW this year??
A 1: Yes! Definately!
Comment: Sweeeeeeeet!!!
Q 2: I'm thirsty. What should I do?
A 2: Without a doubt.
Comment: Obviously this was too dumb of a question for my 8 ball to answer fully. Without a doubt... drink something bitch! Is what I'm sure it would spell out if it had the ability. Fine. I will drink something. You didn't have to call me a bitch. Yeesh.
Q 3: Want to make out?
A 3: Signs point to Yes
Comment: Well too bad Magic 8 Ball! You can't just call me a bitch and then expect me to make out with you! Plus you're a plastic fortune telling ball, I'm a psychotic redhead. It would never work out. Thanks for admitting you would totally make out with me though. Always nice to have an ego boost. I'll give you a little kiss, so you don't feel so bad. Mwah. There. (Gross)(I feel like a slut now)(but not in a satisfied way) (In I just pressed my lips against a dirty ball sort of way)
Okay kids! That's this week's Ask The Magic 8 Ball!!!! Hope you enjoyed. I'm going to go wash my lips and find a cool, refreshing beverage.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Patience is a Virtue
Remember that whole "Seize the Day" thing I was on yesterday... hmphhh. Did you know "the day" is very prickly and when you seize it you can be painfully stung? It's terrible! And then the sting gets all stuck in your skin and you're trying to pick it out and figure out where exactly you went wrong and what exactly is wrong with YOU (me) and you send a text but it doesn't do much good. But hopefully doesn't make things worse. Fucking texts. Keep my phone away from me!!!! Waaaaahhhh! Deep breaths. At least making mistakes keeps life interesting and getting stung makes you feel alive. Even if it's in an icky way. The good news is "seizing the day" when it comes to housework has less potential to backfire. So... chew on that for a bit.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Dear "8 Foods You Should Eat Everyday" email
Dear "8 Foods You Should Eat Every Day" email that I found in my hotmail account,
I don't want to hear it. First off, I can't imagine eating the same 8 things every day. BORING! Second, I KNOW Michelina's Budget Gourmet Microwave dinners, reeses pieces and diet coke won't make the list, so what's the point? Third, Where do you get off popping into my hotmail account and telling me how to live my life??!?
I've deleted you "8 Foods You Should Eat Everyday" email... and I'm not going to get curious about it and try to find you and open you and read you. I'm not.
Sincerely,
Anne
Update: Okay, fine I read it. It was like Apples, Oatmeal, Berries, Nuts, some other jazz. plbplbplbplbbb
I don't want to hear it. First off, I can't imagine eating the same 8 things every day. BORING! Second, I KNOW Michelina's Budget Gourmet Microwave dinners, reeses pieces and diet coke won't make the list, so what's the point? Third, Where do you get off popping into my hotmail account and telling me how to live my life??!?
I've deleted you "8 Foods You Should Eat Everyday" email... and I'm not going to get curious about it and try to find you and open you and read you. I'm not.
Sincerely,
Anne
Update: Okay, fine I read it. It was like Apples, Oatmeal, Berries, Nuts, some other jazz. plbplbplbplbbb
Blog?!? You Get Your Life Together, Right Now!
Hi blog,
Sorry I've been neglecting you. Let's discuss something. Automatically I think "boys" - but that's just because I'm a pervy single girl. Let's try to think about something else...
Hmmmm...
Oh, that's fair. Try not to think about boys and it's all you can think about. Alright... let's get the magic 8 ball in on this.
Q. What should I talk about in my blog today?
A. Without a doubt.
Okay... so, living life without doubts. Wow... not really my forte. I doubt so much all the time. I dip my little toe in the water and check the temperature. I think "Without a Doubt" is my 8 Ball's way of saying "Carpe Diem" so - let's seize the day!!!!!!! I'm going to bust my butt at work and finally finish my to-do list tonight... and get er done! YES!! Thank you Magic 8 Ball - you are a fucking inspiration. Will my dear readers Carpe Diem today as well? I hope so. Let's get the ball rolling. P.S. If you're reading this, you look lovely today.
Adventure!!!!!! BLAHHH!!!! Did I mention I just finished a rather large coffee?
Sorry I've been neglecting you. Let's discuss something. Automatically I think "boys" - but that's just because I'm a pervy single girl. Let's try to think about something else...
Hmmmm...
Oh, that's fair. Try not to think about boys and it's all you can think about. Alright... let's get the magic 8 ball in on this.
Q. What should I talk about in my blog today?
A. Without a doubt.
Okay... so, living life without doubts. Wow... not really my forte. I doubt so much all the time. I dip my little toe in the water and check the temperature. I think "Without a Doubt" is my 8 Ball's way of saying "Carpe Diem" so - let's seize the day!!!!!!! I'm going to bust my butt at work and finally finish my to-do list tonight... and get er done! YES!! Thank you Magic 8 Ball - you are a fucking inspiration. Will my dear readers Carpe Diem today as well? I hope so. Let's get the ball rolling. P.S. If you're reading this, you look lovely today.
Adventure!!!!!! BLAHHH!!!! Did I mention I just finished a rather large coffee?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
NOooOOooOooOO WHY?!? NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!
Guess what Thursday to-do list? FUCK YOU! Emergency drinking must commence after work hours as my dear friend Kyley was just downsized at work. Miserable company. She's better off, just like the 20 other people who have left or are planning to leave this place. Also, I won the Employee Recognition Award today!! (Along with the rest of the creative dept.) All I can say is, recognize THIS (Insert me flipping the bird)
Beer me.
And for god sakes, beer Kyley.
Beer me.
And for god sakes, beer Kyley.
Ask the Magic 8 Ball!
Dear Magic 8 Ball...
Q 1. What should I do with my life?
A 1. It is certain.
Comment: Fate truly exists and what I'm supposed to do with my life will happen regardless. That's a relief. I was worried I'd have to DO something.
Q 2. Why won't the pocket flaps on my pants lie flat?
A 2. It is decidedly so
Comment: Fate truly exists and how my pant pocket flaps lie will happen regardless of washing or wishing. Maybe if I got out my ironing board...
Q 3. I was thinking about just cutting off the flaps. Would that look more hobo then letting them stick up all the time?
A 3. Most Likely.
Comment: That's what I thought too.
Q 1. What should I do with my life?
A 1. It is certain.
Comment: Fate truly exists and what I'm supposed to do with my life will happen regardless. That's a relief. I was worried I'd have to DO something.
Q 2. Why won't the pocket flaps on my pants lie flat?
A 2. It is decidedly so
Comment: Fate truly exists and how my pant pocket flaps lie will happen regardless of washing or wishing. Maybe if I got out my ironing board...
Q 3. I was thinking about just cutting off the flaps. Would that look more hobo then letting them stick up all the time?
A 3. Most Likely.
Comment: That's what I thought too.
The Siren Blog
Keeps calling me back. My theme for this morning: Stop being lazy!! What a lovely theme. It makes me feel good to know in my heart, I'm going to stop being lazy today. No more procrastinating over all those little loose ends that need to be tied. I'm serious. Thinking about doing stuff just isn't cutting it anymore. I'm putting 4 to-dos up. 1) Finish passport application 2) Finish making bday present 3) Finish taxes (and mail!) 4) Organize bills.
Ignoring you was fun list... But NO MORE! Be the witness, blog. By Thor's mighty hammer, I WILL do these things tonight!!!!
Ugghh I dislike goals.
And responsibilities.
And hammers.
Ignoring you was fun list... But NO MORE! Be the witness, blog. By Thor's mighty hammer, I WILL do these things tonight!!!!
Ugghh I dislike goals.
And responsibilities.
And hammers.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Kids will be kids
If you've never watched "Manswers" on Spike, then you might not know the quickest and most dangerous way to get drunk is by putting alcohol up your bum. The booze goes straight into your system with no liver filter. It's an easy way to kill yourself. Anyhoo, a friend's mom in Nova Scotia is a nurse and was telling her son about how kids are coming into the hospital after putting booze soaked tampons up their a-holes. I'm a little torn about how I should feel about this. Gross - yes, obviously. But, isn't this darwinism? Could we please just let a couple of these little buggers go down for the sake of the human race? I know, I'm being mean... but if you're going to die from alcohol poisoning, don't cut corners, right? My mom has a kid in her grade 5 class that's addicted to Meth and comes to class high and freaks out and guess what? It's the school's policy not to discipline him. When he swears a storm up at the teachers and throws stuff all over the classroom, my mom has to remove every child but him from the room until he calms down. The school is scared to call his "parents". It's g-d ridiculous. I hate the youth. I hated these idiots when I was their age and I hate them now. Also, I hate adults. Really, only the elderly are cool in my books (and they've been pushing it lately, what with the incontinence). All I can say is, if I have kids I REFUSE to raise morons. And if I ever find a vodka tampon, so help me god.
UPDATE: kays ui tried butt boooze nd EMETR METH!!! YAY!!! I tieks evjhriothign back. Kiids are coooooooooooooooooooool.
UPDATE 2: I just found this on TFLN:
(202): respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ha ha ha! Ohhhh... ugh.
UPDATE: kays ui tried butt boooze nd EMETR METH!!! YAY!!! I tieks evjhriothign back. Kiids are coooooooooooooooooooool.
UPDATE 2: I just found this on TFLN:
(202): respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ha ha ha! Ohhhh... ugh.
What Do You Mean, Barqs Has Bite?
What the hell am I going to talk about? I'm not really in the blogging mood, at the same time, this stuff is addicting. I laughed sooo hard last night watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon when he interviewed Will Ferrell. I half heartedly tried to look it up just now and wasn't able to find it, but trust me. Funny. If I see it later, I'll put it up. Geez, I'm not being very exciting this morning. I'm tired, I feel like a zombie. I gooey eyed zombie. I'd go get coffee, but I'm too tired. Tonight, I'm hoping to catch a screening of "I Love You Man" at the cheap theatre. Andy Samberg plays a gay man only attracted to straight guys in it. Story of my life. Except for the gay man part. Okay... this is going nowhere. I'll be back with better game... later.
http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/blogs/2009/06/will-ferrells-intense-interview-and-line-of-fine-suntan-lotions/
http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/blogs/2009/06/will-ferrells-intense-interview-and-line-of-fine-suntan-lotions/
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Let's Talk About Text Pt. 2
I had the best sext of my life today. It was one of those opportune moments when you get someone's number who you know, but they don't have yours. Anyway - I got this guy Jeff Grierson (Wild Card Beerson)'s # and here's the back and forth that ensued.
I write,
Your scent still lingers in the bathroom where we first met. I go there often. I... don't know if your memory ever takes you to that night. Side by side, an awkward glance, soft light, soft hands... You were beautiful.
He writes
You're the beautiful one. Tell me more.
I write
Your lips were so soft on my ballsack, you hair a mess in my forceful fingers... I let out a deep moan and begged you to stop... Would we be caught?
He writes
It was a good day to go exploring. My breath. Taken away.
I write
It was... I lost my balance and fell into the stall, toilet waters splashing my glutes. I playfully reached down and splashed you in the face and chest. Then we had to get you out of those wet clothes.
He Writes
Reliving this with you is making my heart race. I can't see straight.
Me (kicking myself now I didn't make the straight joke)
Mmmm Jeff... oh, you have to stop! Now it's my turn, grinding you to the floor of the stall, hot lips licking your wet pecs, cleaning my dirty boy as the sweat from my chest hair flavors your abs
Wildcard:
I want you inside me (fill in your name. whatever it is, which mattered then but escapes me now)
Me:
You pulled me to your lips and whispered that in my ear too... I was pulsing rock hard and I made you say it again and again as I turned you over and playfully spanked your behind. Say my name! I demanded, poised for entry
He writes:
Dad. You always know how to get me going on a Tuesday afternoon.
***is this not epic? I like a man who can take my homoerotic joke and make it incestual.
I write:
Just don't tell ma, she was pretty upset last time.
Him:
How long do you want to play before we shed some light on our rendez vu?
Me:
I want to play forever! Don't be a spoil sport. I had way too much fun today.
Him:
Perfect. The way you made me feel today. Like a raped puppy. Amazing.
Me:
Yet you're still frisky, like a virgin puppy.
Him: (Thinking he's figured it out and I'm his friend Erin?)
I love you, big N.
Me:
Is that some sort of racial slur?
And that's what I did this afternoon.
I write,
Your scent still lingers in the bathroom where we first met. I go there often. I... don't know if your memory ever takes you to that night. Side by side, an awkward glance, soft light, soft hands... You were beautiful.
He writes
You're the beautiful one. Tell me more.
I write
Your lips were so soft on my ballsack, you hair a mess in my forceful fingers... I let out a deep moan and begged you to stop... Would we be caught?
He writes
It was a good day to go exploring. My breath. Taken away.
I write
It was... I lost my balance and fell into the stall, toilet waters splashing my glutes. I playfully reached down and splashed you in the face and chest. Then we had to get you out of those wet clothes.
He Writes
Reliving this with you is making my heart race. I can't see straight.
Me (kicking myself now I didn't make the straight joke)
Mmmm Jeff... oh, you have to stop! Now it's my turn, grinding you to the floor of the stall, hot lips licking your wet pecs, cleaning my dirty boy as the sweat from my chest hair flavors your abs
Wildcard:
I want you inside me (fill in your name. whatever it is, which mattered then but escapes me now)
Me:
You pulled me to your lips and whispered that in my ear too... I was pulsing rock hard and I made you say it again and again as I turned you over and playfully spanked your behind. Say my name! I demanded, poised for entry
He writes:
Dad. You always know how to get me going on a Tuesday afternoon.
***is this not epic? I like a man who can take my homoerotic joke and make it incestual.
I write:
Just don't tell ma, she was pretty upset last time.
Him:
How long do you want to play before we shed some light on our rendez vu?
Me:
I want to play forever! Don't be a spoil sport. I had way too much fun today.
Him:
Perfect. The way you made me feel today. Like a raped puppy. Amazing.
Me:
Yet you're still frisky, like a virgin puppy.
Him: (Thinking he's figured it out and I'm his friend Erin?)
I love you, big N.
Me:
Is that some sort of racial slur?
And that's what I did this afternoon.
Let's Talk about Text
Texting... a year ago, I was just dipping my feet in the text water. I didn't even have a text plan on my phone. Today, I feel like I'm a veteran. I'd like to make 10 texting observations:
1) Texting while driving is wrong. But fun. Last time I texted while driving I was going 80 in a highway construction zone, with rain pelting down on my car. This makes me an asshole. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop.
2) Textsfromlastnight.com is one of the funniest websites I've ever come across. I steal lines from it all the time. Does this make me feel less original? Yes. But also clever. TFLN has also inspired me to up my funny texting game. Funniest text of last week? Sent to a hockey fan chum (some of my readers might be familiar with him) that read "Do you ever wonder if you'd've grown a thicker, more luxurious playoff beard, hawks would be playing tonight?"
3) People love texts. It lets them know you're thinking of them. The only person I know who doesn't enjoy a good texting is my friend Dylan. He doesn't even have facebook, so what does he know? I sent him a text ONCE, just to be a darsh, and I got a phone message and talk from his girlfriend on how I am never to text him and to just text her if I need to. Other exceptions to this rule can (but not necessarily) include drunk texting and sexting. And drunk sexting. But if anyone wants to drunk sext me, I'm cool with it. I was at a party once when Dylan's girlfriend text me to come over and drink wine and play with her pussy (they bought a kitten) Anyway, I didn't answer my phone and was thoroughly harassed when my hilarious friends did. Amendment- I actually did enjoy the rogering. I'm an attention fiend.
4) Drunk texting. Do NOT drunk text someone who isn't a close friend. ONLY drunk text people who "get" you (ie. are binge drinkers). DO NOT drunk text someone who isn't a close friend repeatedly... you don't want to have to try to clean that up.
5) Sexting... is delicious! I don't have a regular sext partner, but I'm accepting applications and I whole heartedly appreciate sexy texts and the couple I've gotten in the past have been vunderbar! Part haha, part ooh la la. A little dangerous to initiate sexting, so try to make it extra silly if you're sexting someone you've never sexed. Like "What are you wearing?" "I'm in a spandex onesy" Something like that.
6) I h8 ppl who r lik c u l8r!! lolers! *Shudder* I can't handle it. Use your words. Cute Lolcatish misspellings are acceptable in the right context, but, as a general rule, take the time to sound like a human being who passed grade 5.
7) Another text peeve of mine is when people ask you something via text that there's no way in hell you have enough time/energy to write back to. The ol "What are you up to this weekend?" This is phone call material, people. Differentiate.
8) Texting overseas is free??!? My friend Melissa is in London right now and texting is included in her phone plan! So I text her often to remind her of Canada. I really hope texting is also free when I hit NYC this summer.
9) I HATE ads that want me to text for ringtones, to vote, to find my love match, to win a PS3, etc. These are scams, preying on idiots and preteens (same thing?) Only 1.25 per message, to end text STOP to #3856. The only thing I've texted for that was supposed to cost $ was the Planet Unicorn ringtone. I never got it. heeeeey.
10) Texting is a blessing and a curse. I've been the douche who's texting back and forth while hanging out with someone else. I can't help it! I feel like this is becoming a socially acceptable thing now. I've texted people right beside me. I feel a tingle of desire when I see the slide out phones with keyboards. And part of me hates myself for it. Also, when people text me, it sounds like a fairy is landing nearby.
So what does texting hold for the future? I don't know. I'm no genius. I can't believe I already wrote so much about texting. I'm stopping now.
1) Texting while driving is wrong. But fun. Last time I texted while driving I was going 80 in a highway construction zone, with rain pelting down on my car. This makes me an asshole. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop.
2) Textsfromlastnight.com is one of the funniest websites I've ever come across. I steal lines from it all the time. Does this make me feel less original? Yes. But also clever. TFLN has also inspired me to up my funny texting game. Funniest text of last week? Sent to a hockey fan chum (some of my readers might be familiar with him) that read "Do you ever wonder if you'd've grown a thicker, more luxurious playoff beard, hawks would be playing tonight?"
3) People love texts. It lets them know you're thinking of them. The only person I know who doesn't enjoy a good texting is my friend Dylan. He doesn't even have facebook, so what does he know? I sent him a text ONCE, just to be a darsh, and I got a phone message and talk from his girlfriend on how I am never to text him and to just text her if I need to. Other exceptions to this rule can (but not necessarily) include drunk texting and sexting. And drunk sexting. But if anyone wants to drunk sext me, I'm cool with it. I was at a party once when Dylan's girlfriend text me to come over and drink wine and play with her pussy (they bought a kitten) Anyway, I didn't answer my phone and was thoroughly harassed when my hilarious friends did. Amendment- I actually did enjoy the rogering. I'm an attention fiend.
4) Drunk texting. Do NOT drunk text someone who isn't a close friend. ONLY drunk text people who "get" you (ie. are binge drinkers). DO NOT drunk text someone who isn't a close friend repeatedly... you don't want to have to try to clean that up.
5) Sexting... is delicious! I don't have a regular sext partner, but I'm accepting applications and I whole heartedly appreciate sexy texts and the couple I've gotten in the past have been vunderbar! Part haha, part ooh la la. A little dangerous to initiate sexting, so try to make it extra silly if you're sexting someone you've never sexed. Like "What are you wearing?" "I'm in a spandex onesy" Something like that.
6) I h8 ppl who r lik c u l8r!! lolers! *Shudder* I can't handle it. Use your words. Cute Lolcatish misspellings are acceptable in the right context, but, as a general rule, take the time to sound like a human being who passed grade 5.
7) Another text peeve of mine is when people ask you something via text that there's no way in hell you have enough time/energy to write back to. The ol "What are you up to this weekend?" This is phone call material, people. Differentiate.
8) Texting overseas is free??!? My friend Melissa is in London right now and texting is included in her phone plan! So I text her often to remind her of Canada. I really hope texting is also free when I hit NYC this summer.
9) I HATE ads that want me to text for ringtones, to vote, to find my love match, to win a PS3, etc. These are scams, preying on idiots and preteens (same thing?) Only 1.25 per message, to end text STOP to #3856. The only thing I've texted for that was supposed to cost $ was the Planet Unicorn ringtone. I never got it. heeeeey.
10) Texting is a blessing and a curse. I've been the douche who's texting back and forth while hanging out with someone else. I can't help it! I feel like this is becoming a socially acceptable thing now. I've texted people right beside me. I feel a tingle of desire when I see the slide out phones with keyboards. And part of me hates myself for it. Also, when people text me, it sounds like a fairy is landing nearby.
So what does texting hold for the future? I don't know. I'm no genius. I can't believe I already wrote so much about texting. I'm stopping now.
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