Birthday Blog

Grow Up Resolutions
-stop talking about the daily puppy
-organize my time better

Never Grow Up Resolutions
-make out more
-keep playing

If sex is a weapon then Smash! Boom! Pow! How you like me now?

Sorry... more TCV lyrics.

It's my party day! Hooray! But before I get to have fun, I have to school and I've been procrastinating all morning and I'm just terrible!!!!
So I said "Listen, Baxter. You write in your blog, then get to work and you'll be brilliant!" And I bought it. So here I am, typing away, with little to say on this birthdayous day. I'm jazzed on tonight though. I'm stoked, pumped, hyped and a little moist. I kid. I'm dry as the desert down there.
I predict a lot of overindulgence in booze and hugs... which is my favourite way to party. I could actually really go for a hug right now. Anyone? Ahh... we'll wait till I stumble into you.
Puppy? Well... Buster the Corgi isn't so bad. He has the same colouring and name as one of the favourite dogs of my childhood, Buster the Jack Russell Terrier who belonged to my Grandparents. What an awesome dog. He knew so many tricks. The only thing I really am not into in the pic is that metallic mushroom looking thing. What's that about? I think Buster should've found a more majestic place to pose. Hey - is that a fuzzy blue empty water bottle in the background? I mean, the rocks are nice, maybe move it over to a less "junky" area. Plus Buster's looking a little "serious". I like a puppy with a look of wonder, not understanding.
10 for being related to my childhood
-1 bad posing place
-1 look on face
Buster gets an 8.

Okay. Work now? No. A quick room tidy while listening to TCV, THEN I'll school.

I wish I had a scanner so I could upload a pic of Buster. I have one where my Grandma is trying to make it look like he's playing with our new Rottweiler puppy, so she has him in her hands and is mock making him jump forward. It's ridiculous. I'm in the background in my neon green stripes and stars and it was one of my first moments realizing grown-ups can be a real mess sometimes.

It hurts to be young - gotta learn every god damn thing.

I haven't felt this way about a CD for so long. I know it's only been a couple of days... but I really feel like it's going to be in my top 10 of all time. It's killing me. Every layer I peek beneath makes me peak. Them Crooked Vultures... I would play dead so you could pick my bones clean.
In other local news, school. Always with the school.
Social news? Visiting Asher tonight to watch TV and make broccoli cheese rice casserole thing. And a beer? Yep.
Smoking? Still not doing it. But I'm past the point of wanting individual cigs now, as much as I want to just go out and buy a pack. Seriously. It's a REAL temptation several times a day. What's next? Cartons?
I want a cigar for my birthday?
Ughh. I would mostly like to learn the skills of restraint, reason, humility... wait. What am I talking about?
I'm an idiot.
Oh it hurts to be young.
Good thing I'm getting older.
Bday party tomorrow, you know.
Hey - daily puppy. You've got something on your nose.

Hip Hip Hooray for Christmas Vacation

Hello readers,

Happy humpday to you. You see the puppy? Diesel? What a cutie! A 9er, I'd say. So, to get "topical" I thought I'd talk Christmas a little today.

* I was in the mall yesterday and it's turned into all xmas, all the time. I'm talking shiny presents, hickory farms, and full blown holiday music. I whine about it when I've been exposed to that much commercial "cheer" for 1/2 an hour in a crowded environment. Retail workers. My heart truly goes out to you.

* I love chinese gift exchanges. I wish I could do them with everyone.

* One of my favorite things about the holidays (and WHY OH WHY can't they just start Dec 1... I mean COME ON!)(I know, I'm contributing to the problem right now. Sorry.) is the specials on TV. Classics like Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, Die Hard, Grinch, Elf, Rudolph... There are so many great ones. But, there are a lot of bad ones out there too. I think we've all made the mistake of watching "Olive, the Other Reindeer"... also watched "Madagascar Christmas" last night which was pretty awful. Really awful. Completely unimaginative and a little sad.

Anyhoo... those are my thoughts on the holidays right now. Sorry to bring them up this early. I blame society.

*Final note - I can't wait for Christmas Vacation!!!!! As someone who only gets 1 day a week off, the prospect of having 2 weeks free sounds incredible. And I love how everyone goes home for Christmas, so I get to see my childhood chums. Warm fuzzies.

And I love when my mom makes mulled wine

And Christmas oranges are so good!

Advent calendars!!!!

Decorating the tree!!

Oh, now I'm excited. Thanks a lot BLOG.

On a final note... here's a Christmas card I would send to you if I wasn't both cheap and lazy.

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November 17

I have A LOT of Rock&Roll surging through my blood today. It feels gooooood. It feels like being pushed off a cliff and you float down, pulling the jagged edges with you, smothering, hot, hard. And I want to push back. I want to push back but I can't so I dance. With no pants.

AND I'm getting a haircut.

Random

Blopic - emails from crazy people

Chelsa Roosh emailed me a link to this delightful submission to emailsfromcrazypeople.com It comes from a Craigslist post. Let's walk through it sentence by sentence.

i think you live in a building that says gold on it by gratiot – 21 (eastern market)

Kay... off to a fairly stable start
i see you all the time, I think your hot.

Hmm... so this is one of those "saw you" type ads then? Personally, the improper use of your would have been a write off for me, but let's see what else she has to say.

you are a jewish looking male 20’s with a muscular frame.

Nummy! Good taste me lady.

I think i saw a tattoo on your arm a few months back, you have a happy looking black lab, i think i love you, I accidently hit your dog.

Here's the money sentence!! Girl is starting to panic. Did I tell him I love him yet? Am I coming on too strong? I've been stalking him for a few months - I'll just say I think I love him. Better get to the point about the dog as well...

I think his name is “mover”?

Doubt it. I bet hot jewish dude named his dog "McGruber"
Im sorry but i did it to get close to you.

Ahh... so the "accident" thing was a lie. Well, you can't lie to the one you love. Confession time! Hey... he pushed you to it, right?

WHY DON’T YOU LOOK AT ME!!!!

You didn't look at her, guy?

I LOVE YOU.

She LOVES you! Caplock loves you.

You better respond to this message.

Threats are such a turn on

I’m not crazy but I have been institutionalized.

Oh dear.

I just want to know you.

(I just want to feel what the inside of your skin feels like.)

please be close to me!

As long as you say the magic word!

I know how to cook, and I am pretty good in the sack.

Check and double check. Crazy chicks are usually better in bed I hear.

FIND ME PRINCE CHARMING OR I’LL MAKE MOVER MINE!

And a very concise parting sentence. She really summed everything up quite nicely there. Confessed her crush, admitted her mistake, highlighted her attributes, let him know she wasn't crazy, then a few threats just to move things along. Poor Mover. I wish I could hear how this story plays out.

Hey Readers

Thanks for commenting, jerk-faces. Come on! Give me something!

Being a Bitch to Dogs

So... today has ANOTHER ugly puppy! That puppy's face is not symmetrical at all and we all know symmetry = beauty. Please, understand, I don't like telling these adorable puppies they don't measure up, but someone has to do it. Daily Puppy - what is going on? I did see yesterday's baby dog of the day and he was soooo cute! I would have given him a 10. In fact, I went to the daily puppy website and found him, so you can admire him forever.

Isn't he adorable? Why am I typing in blue now? Oh well. Anyway... I can't handle judging these puppies right now. They're all cute. I love puppies. Even asymmetrical ones. I may have to take a break.

Hey? Guess what else? 1 week nonsmokiversary! My powers are growing stronger, I can feel it.

Saturday Blaturday

Hi everybody! Sorry I missed a post yesterday, sue me.
Don't sue.
It's funny how being really tired and worn down gives you a similar mental capacity to being drunk. It's a ripoff right now though because I can't enjoy this altered state. I have to try to ignore it and discuss Semiotic theory. What's that? Don't ask or I swear I'll send you a 2 page cited overview.
Hrmm.
Another ugly puppy today.
I would still love it forever, don't get me wrong... but I'm giving it my lowest ranking yet. A 6. You want to defend the puppy? You can't. That puppy is a MAX 6. Unless you judge it against things that aren't puppies... or baby mammals.
Okay - see? The drunk thing. But I'm not. Hope you guys have a great day!! Mine will only get better, with the pinnacle being reached when I get to sleep!! SLEEP :D :D :D

Animal Attraction

I've had "the moves" put on me by dogs, cats, a turtle and even a couple of humans... but last night... last night a love bird grinded the back of my hand.

It was like my hand and the lovebird were at a club and the bird got up behind there and started doing his thing. At first, as usual, I was flattered. But then the bird grinded on Melissa's hand, followed by her cell phone. He came back after... but I couldn't keep pretending it was okay.

Daily puppy is an obvious photoshop job. You may have a 7. AND THAT'S GENEROUS PUPPY.

Update: Ground? Was grinding?

Wednesday!? It's Wednesday already!!?

This week is a blur. Eee! A few things are falling into place, which I really appreciate. Other things... well... they're on the list.

I don't know if my Aunt and Uncle come home tomorrow or Friday... so I have to assume tomorrow and get their house spic and span tonight...

Also, here's awkwardness... my Aunt got a phone call confirming an appointment on Friday. I don't know if I should call them back or not? What should I do?

Plus 3 papers and a midterm and 2 family visits by Saturday.

No big deal. I'm superman. I don't even need to smoke.

Of course, you didn't see me shaking and sweating on the couch last night, wanting to die. No. You didn't. Because I totally didn't do that. I'm so brave and tough.

I need to clean my car too.

But, I could write a song about all the things I need to do with myself.

Priorities! Prioritize!

Get your life together!

Here's a list of things to do

To make your week get better

Number 1 isn't so fun

It's cleaning your whole house

Don't forget to wash the sheets

And catch that rascal mouse!

Number 2, much more to do!

It's writing 2 responses

Put down that blog and something something...

Anyway. Whatever. I can't wait till Sat after 5. I don't know what I'm doing at that point, since I have a few available options, but you best believe there'll be a drink in my hand.

You guys see the puppy today? Oh! I wish he were wiggling in my arms right now! Ima give him an 8.

I don't wanna talk about it

I'm feeling quite stressed this week. So many things to do in every realm of my world, really need to buck up and buckle down.

On a positive note, here I am, day 2 of no smoke and I'm living! I've only had 1 piece of nicotene gum (I'm trying to be stingy so I can work the bad stuff out of my system quicker.)

Hmm...

Yeah. I don't want to talk about anything.

So. I'm not. Maybe I'll write later.

Daily Puppy rating: 8.

This is the end, beautiful friend.

I have a lot of anger in my heart at the moment. The stubborn side of me screaming "NO!" - but guess what, Anne? This has to be done. So deal.

As we were speaking of important dates yesterday, I feel I should mention we're pretty much at the year anniversary where I started smoking AGAIN. I feel a year is plenty of time to get over the trauma that reignited my horrible habit, so, today's it. I'm quitting. Again. Let's keep it real this time.

I'm putting in my hypnosis CD as soon as I'm done writing, then I'll probably pick up some fancy gum later and we'll do er right.

Wish me luck readers. I would do the same for you.

I hate quitting. I hate being a non smoker. I don't wanna. I'm mad. No, no, no, no, no. Okay.

Update: My body is in horrible pain. But I am a nonsmoker. A nonsmoker. Happy pain.

Owie, my head

Oh hangover Sunday. Let's reminisce about last night. . Got to check out the Flames game... unfortunate loss, but can't complain about getting to go! Then skittered over to Adam Hunter's for a lovely bash. Met another robot, which was wicked, discovered the advantages (awesome dancing skills) and disadvantages (inability to walk through doors/see anything/ sit down/ have people hear you) of my costume... played 3man, talked about silly things with awesome people... ate, drank, was merry - saw some amazing costumes. The best, of course, being Adam's brother who was a dead on David Bowie Goblin King ala Labrynth - his wife was Sarah and their baby, Toby. Incredible family get up.

Ughh.

My head is too sore to write now though. I need liquids, sleep, or something.
Also, happy veggieversary to me. 12 years clean. More importantly, happy birthiversary to one of the greatest people on earth, Chelsea Rauch. Happy Birthday Chelsea!

Monkey Hooker Halloween Spook Story

A firey red ball falls to the floor, onto his shell body. Joel, a dashing young parasite, reacting on pure nerves, skitters quickly to the side. From above, the sole of a worn, yellow high heel.
Crunch.
Squish.
The shoe belongs to Sally Apesmick, a monkey hooker enjoying her first cigarette of the evening. She never intended to kill Joel. Sally is a lover, not a fighter. From Sally's legs, the parasite's family weep and cry revenge.
The night is cold. It's almost November.
Almost November, but not quite! My night. This is Halloween!
Sally's painted lips part suddenly in a huge grin showing a little too much teeth. A monkey hooker for real 364 days of the year... a monkey hooker for pretend on one. Tonight. Sally's night off.
Where first?
"Hey! Nice costume!" her thoughts are interrupted by a zebra dressed as Boba Fett.
"Thanks!" Sally calls back, "Where are you heading?"
The zebra gives her a crooked smile... "Haunted house."
His nasally, yet foreboding voice sends a shiver up the back of Sally's lavender halterdress.
"It's going to be super fun. If you aren't too scared."
Sally shrugs and climbs up Boba's back as he sings a song about haunted houses to the tune of "lollipop" and trots down the road.
The jungle gets darker and darker as the two move away from Animal City. Boba stops singing and slows to a walk as they head off trail.
"How far away is this place?" Sally moans. "I still need to get my drink on tonight."
"Did you ever hear the legend of the Dead Zebras?" Boba changes the subject.
"I dunno... something about dead zebras coming to life on..."
"On Halloween!" Boba finishes for her. "They come back to eat the souls of animals."
"It's just a story" Sally snorts as she eyes the forest with new fear.
"You sure?" Boba laughs and Sally falls mid air with a smack to the ground.
"Boba?"
A haunting neigh is the only response.
"BOBA!!!" She cries and starts running to where she thinks the trail is. Thunderous hoofbeats are coming from every direction.
"NOOO!" Sally only sees traces of black and white ghostlines. They're all around her.
*****
Sally awakes without a soul. The dead zebras gone with their dinner. Being soulless feels similar to being a hooker monkey on a bad day. She stumbles back to the path, relying purely on senses... the smell of the trees, the feel of dirt beneath her feet, the sound of...
The sound of her parasites.
"Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally..." they chant
"Yes..." The words that come out of her mouth feel unreal.
"Sally... you belong to us,"
"Yes."
"Sally... it's time to kill all the creatures you love most. It's time for revenge."
"Revenge." Sally repeats. But her words are not her own.
"For Joel."

Hey

5 minutes. I'm giving myself 5 minutes and that's it. But at least it's 5. Listen. Here's the scoop. I bought a computer yesterday. A laptopular computer that is on the top of my lap as we speak. It was an expensive and beautiful gift to me and I love it. I love it so much that I plan on using it. For school purposes? YOU BET YOUR ASS. But also for non school, blogging and fun time purposes. I make it my new computer resolution to write on this blog every day. Starting today.
And today's a busy day!
I'm about to take off to help move my g-folks into their new lodge. It's waaaayyyy past time they left the farm. This is a big day for my family. Much less worrying about them dying of malnutrition or falling down stairs and all that jazz. My g-pa's a typical stubborn old man though, so it took years of work on my mom's part to convince her folks they needed to leave the place he's been living since he was a baby.
2 minutes left.
So - other goals for the next day? Rake leaves, clean house, write halloween story, research communication journals pertaining to some theory i'm writing about later and MAKE ROBO COSTUME. That's it! I have till noon tomorrow.
Now 1 minute left. I guess I'll just use it to say
Hooker Monkey.
Love yous.
Anne
- Also, I'm totally cracking a beer after moving.

Ask the Magic 8 Ball!!!

Dear Magic 8 Ball

Q1: I'm sorry I neglected you - are you mad at me?
A1: Signs point to yes.

I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Q2: Forgive me?
A2: Outlook good.

:D :D :D

Q3: (For Adam) Will Savage Garden die in a horrible head on collision with Hilary Duff?
A3: Don't count on it.

Well, annoying ppl don't deserve death. As an annoying person, I support this answer.

Q4: Will you be my boyfriend?
A4: Ask again later.

Still a little pissed I ignored you for so long, eh?

Q5: Magic 8 Ball, what's your best memory?
A5: Outlook not so good.

Had a rough life, eh? You poor dear. You know my best memory with you?
Right now, Magic 8 Ball. This moment we are sharing together.

Q6: Now will you be my boyfriend?
A6: My reply is no.

I'll win you over eventually, Magic 8 Ball.

Q7: Is there someone else?
A7: Ask again later.

Oh.

Q8: It's like that?
A8: Don't count on it.

You're confusing me 8 Ball. Maybe we should talk again when you're not so pissy. I have standards, you know. You can't just play "ambiguous 8 Ball" and expect me to stick around. 8 Ball.
You know what? I take back my reply to Q5. We've had way better talks than this.

Anyone have a question for the 8 Ball? Like "Where do you get off talking to Anne Baxter like that?" or "What should I make for dinner?"

Yackety Yack

Don't talk back.

Movies I want to watch??? Deadwalkers is playing Oct 7 - 15 bucks a ticket! Adam! Your brother is in this - don't you want to see it??? I surely do.

What else... well... I have the house to myself right now so Ima play music. Hopefully I'll get my act together and do some homework in a bit. Gaging by how excited I am to drink tonight, I definitely shouldn't leave it till tomorrow morn before class.

Sorry I'm so boring right now. Why don't you yell blopics at me? That would be swell.

Halloween Costume

Okay. I've decided. Although I appreciate Frank's skateboard offering, I'm going as a Ghostbuster. With the emergence of the Ghostbusters video game, as well as with the new movie coming out next year, I feel this costume will keep me ahead of the curve of awesome. Plus, it'll be a dream realized. I'm satisfied.
What of life?
Life's great!!! I love lamp. I love mistakes, I love excitement, I love experience and learning. I love bubblegum, I love animals, I love you, I love me. And I love coffee.

Movies I want you to watch with me:
Inglorious Basterds
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
The Cove
Zombieland
Dead Snow

Update: Found skanky Ghostbuster's costume. YES!!! (Too bad it only comes in size WTF?)



Update II : Found another chick Ghostbuster uniform. This one also makes me hate being a woman.